Thunder in the Mountains 2018 reflections

Thunder in the Mountains was a very unusual event for me this year. I'm still processing much of it. So far, when people have asked me how it was, I've said ”ok.”

You see, I had some expectations going to the event of what would happen. I expected myself to be on my game, with good levels of energy and low levels of pain. I even had multiple scenes set up and had planned this event to be a very heavy play event for me as I wasn’t on staff outside of a DM shift. I did not expect to learn that a member of my biological family had stage 4 cancer the day before the event and I was not prepared for what that knowledge might bring up in me.

I went in much more vulnerable and emotionally tender than I usually let myself to go places.

So when I say it was an “ok” event for me, that is actually really amazing, considering my emotional balance, and baggage rattling inside my head while I was there.

I did things very different than I usually do at events. I had a very minimal schedule of things I was helping with. I stayed off site instead of at the host hotel. I wasn't one of the official bootblacks. I didn't get any scenes in and didn't even make it to the dungeon Saturday night. And I was not on site at all Sunday. I only attended 1 class all weekend.

I did offer private bootblacking sessions which I enjoyed greatly. I did get to meet and chat with some amazing people, old friends and new. I did speak my truth openly and honestly. I took breaks and rested regularly. I didn't agree to anything that made me uncomfortable or twinged me. I was able to witness a dear friend get his cover. I earned detention! I connected with a gentlemen whose energy spoke to me greatly and I hope to follow up with,even if this gentleman lives in NM.

I received a great deal of support from my tribe, some from people I expected, some from those I didn't expect it from, and there were a few people I thought would provide some but didn't.

I provided my personal sharps container to one of my exes who had forgotten theirs, without them even knowing it was mine so that nothing would be awkward for them regarding it.

I laughed and hugged and cried and joked and share support with my fellow Women of Drummer. Two of my extremely sexy sisters helped me to figure out what to do when my body and emotions had overwhelmed me into a place where I couldn't figure out how to help myself. I had a Master I respect greatly, introduce me to others including a Master who creates lovely leather items and owns a very lucky slave/pony whose physical beauty is only eclipsed by the care and grace of her heart. I enjoyed conversations with a bootblack who has recently moved to Denver and a new pup/pony as well.

I got to learn more about engaging with my transgendered play partners in ways that help reinforce their identity, especially when they are dealing with dysphoria. I share giggles and conversations with other slaves. There were hugs everywhere all weekend.

I'm still broken. I'm still healing. I will become whole again. And this weekend I pushed my comfort zone greatly by going out to a large event feeling as broken as I was and as vulnerable as I was. Yet even as I spoke words like this to another, I realized they also applied to me. "Lovely one, please don't apologize for coming to me when you're hurting. When you do, you give me the gift of your trust in me. The gift of your faith that I will be here for you and will help you as I can, means more to me than I could ever say. Thank you for trusting me with you, when you are fragile as well as when you are whole. I love getting to support you, both in celebration and when the road gets bumpy. You are loved. You are beautiful. And I am here for you"

To everyone this weekend who was there for me, whether through hugs, kind words, expressions of joy in seeing me, helping me carry stuff, teasing me about my quirks - including helium hand, trusting me with their leathers, trusting me with their fragility or even just giving me a smile and saying "hi", thank you. You were there for me. You saw me. And I can think of nothing that could make an event better than being seen and loved like this.

I guess when I actually review the weekend, Thunder in the Mountains was an amazing event for me. Just not in the ways I expected.

Thank you to everyone who helped make my event great!

And for those I barely saw or only saw in passing, I hope I will be back to my normal level of engagements the next time our paths cross so that I can seek you out for more interactions.

With Grateful Enthusiastic Service, 
-xiaoyi


xiaoyi

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xiaoyi - August 3, 2018 Reply

It turns out that it is only Stage 3 cancer!!!!

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