Scenes going sideways
Sometimes scenes go sideways and that’s ok.
Last night I was enjoying a warm up when I felt my PTSD kicking in. It was sudden and there was just another sound that wasn’t even in my scene that hit a trigger for me. I checked in with myself as I realized my brain wasn’t following it’s normal flow for scenes and I realized I was extremely close to a flash back.
So I shook my head, not something I usually do while scening, and stepped away from the cross.
My top checked in and helped uncuff me and I went to the standing cage, knelt in it in my attend position and began actively running my mantras. I’m not certain how long I knelt there crying a bit, and actively anchoring myself in the now and stopping the flashback before it could fully hit. Yea for therapy and learning coping skills to stay present!😊
Once I was grounded, I stepped back out of the cage and checked in with my top. He was very understanding and in no way seemed bothered that I had to step back. I decided not to try again, stopping flashbacks is exhausting, and again, not even a hint of disappointment in him, only concern for me and asking if there was anything I needed or support he could provide me. And when I tried apologizing while reassuring him I’d like to try again in the future, he refused the apology while accepting the try again another time.
Now for the best part, he is not a usual play partners for me. This was someone who we were doing pick up play and it was the first time we played with each other. No shaming. No pressure, just care and concern for my well-being and respect for me taking care of myself.
New tops, pay attention to this. This is an example of topping done right!
Thank you to this wonderful gentleman and to all the others at the club who were understanding and supportive once they stopped being confused that my scene ended so quickly!
#removethestigma #ptsdSucks #selfcare #betterbottoming #xiaoyi_slaveheartbootblack