Needing to be Broken

I cried myself to sleep last night. The Dragon (my hubby) for a little bit had his hands on my hip and pet me. This morning I posted on Facebook “sometimes you have to cry and do it anyway” that was just prior to an almost four hour long cathartic meltdown. Dragon tried to be supportive but it really showed me one of the things I get in M/s that I don’t really get in other relationships. Something that my past two relationships were both lacking. It’s not something I need often but sometimes I just need a protector. Someone with whom I can be small and fragile and have them hold me and rock me and pet me. I’m not a highly fragile person. I tend to be durable, resilient and strong but sometimes I do need to be small and fragile and let myself break to pieces sometimes.  

Growing up this was not something I was allowed to do. I had to be strong for my sister and my family. By the age of five, I was the emotional strong point of the family. At the age of five. And I wasn’t permitted to show cracks.

With Dragon, he is not a protector. He did stop avoiding me and sat near me. He did at one point reach out his hand and put it on my knee where I was self-soothing by rocking as I cried. But even when I asked him directly to acknowledge my feelings he didn’t. He says he’s not good at it. To be fair he is learning and improving.  I wasn’t good at it when I first started either. I got my head bitten off more than once and I still do. He tried a little when I pointed out to him again that that was what I needed. He did an OK job of it. I even told him so. And I am very proud of him for that. He was also distressing himself so much because he didn’t know what to do that I ended up in full meltdown yet also in caretaker mode trying to help him while shattered and breaking myself. When I’m looking for a Master, I need that person to allow me to be weak sometimes. I tend to be attracted to leather folks, maybe because they are leather and perceived as strong and protectors. In all honesty, I needed my Papa, my Sir and my Master. Currently, I have none.  I have no one left to protect me when I needed to be weak.

To whom does the caregiver go when she needs care? To whom does the shaman go when she needs healing? Now I have to learn to go to myself and to rock myself and maybe, though I have no idea how I can do this, protect myself while I’m being fragile. But I still crave that witness to see and hear my pain and to reflect back that both I and my pain exist. I crave my soul’s mirror and acknowledgment.

Somewhere there is a Master who will give me a safe place to be fragile and weak. I just wish I knew where and who and that if I did, they would actually make time in their life for me and make me a priority in their life the way I crave to make them one in mine.

-October of 2015

xiaoyi Drake