Requesting a change and my own safe space

This is a copy of a letter I wrote a potential Owner after they asked for access to my journals. It was also after an incident where they decide to drop several “disappointed”s on me because I made a decision on an area I hadn’t yet given them control of and they didn’t like it.

Here is the letter:

Dear Master _______, 

You wanted access to my journals but with them being a form of meditation/self exploration I find myself very very uncomfortable sharing those with you.  I am hoping that you might be willing instead to accept me writing you letters from time to time or even regularly instead. That way you can still hear my mind and thoughts on things but I still have my safe place for self exploration.  The thought of having to share my journals with anyone has stopped me from journalling many times. As journaling is one of my coping skills and strategies for keeping myself sane and happy, I do not want to lose it as I am afraid I will if I am required to share it.  I guess I do have a small need for some privacy in my life and that is a very odd realization to come to.  

It has been over a week now since we have seen each other or really spoken to each other at all.  Last Monday I did something that pissed you off. You needed space and time to process. What you might not have realized is that telling another person you are close to my personal reasons also hurt me.  I was hurting and needed support and friends to turn to and while you wanted to be the first person I turned to if I was ever in a time of need, quite honestly, you couldn’t be there for me and you weren’t there for me.  I had to end a very dear relationship of mine because I had learned that I could not do it or them justice or offer a real relationship at all. I had realized that continuing a full relationship with them was not something I could do even though I wanted to and that hurt like heck.  and you weren’t available for me. You couldn’t help me with my pain.  

I did only take one nap a day. Right after water-bearing I would fall down for an hour or two.  The hubby had to bring me dinner in bed more than one night because of how badly I needed the sleep.  Still it felt good to provide water to so many. I think the fighters would have fought much less if I weren’t there.  I do enjoy being helpful though it also meant I skipped all the classes I had planned on taking. I do prefer to take care of others most of the time.  It was good self-care for my soul.  

I will admit I am concerned about how long processing seems to take you.  A full week of minimal contact from you is a very long time after you dropped the “disappointed” on me three times in our last interaction.  I am learning that I need to insulate myself from you and not be a fully devoted and devastated by your words if I think you are hurting or mad. I have to disassociate some and pull back so that you do not cause me more damage than I think you really wish to.  Or more damage than I can actually handle.  

There is a lot about me you simply have not learned about yet and so I must self-manage instead of Master-manage parts of myself and my life.  This is one of those areas. But even with having to take that control myself and do a very slow surrender I am happy. Many people comment on it.  How happy I seem. I need to arrange a catharsis soon though. I have much pain and tears that I need to release and I cannot release on my own. Your reaction to me being honest and brave enough to be transparent with the other person added to the tears I need to cry and haven’t let myself.   

I have needed to cry since my Master of Orgin and I split.  I was talking with a Trusted top about arranging a cathartic scene and the hubby was going to do the aftercare but that seemed to simply fall through.  That was before I started seeing you. I am not an easy girl to Master. I know that. But I think that I am worth the time and effort to learn and work with to own.  Perhaps I am wrong. I am a very complicated woman. I am highly multifaceted and instead of killing off my monsters and deamons from my past, I find ways for them to work for me in my life and help me grow and become a better more complete person.  

I hope you were looking for me to learn that I do not need a Master to enjoy myself and be fulfilled that I can be self-owned and it will not destroy me.  Because that is what I learned. I do not need you Master ___________ but I do want you. I don’t know if that is enough for you to be wanted and loved but not needed.  

I am like the fighters from the event, I can go further and longer if there is a waterbearer there to support me, but I can and will go as long and as far as i can without one as well. For me a Master is support staff and I am support staff for my Master as well.  We both support and care for each other and try to find ways to beign us both closer to the goals. I am very good at adopting my Master’s goals as my own to the point where I neglect my own desires and wants.  

I have knowledge of small businesses and of chocolate making because of how well I do that.  My Master of Origin had to remind me to take time for myself and to work on my own projects to the point of even learning some Mandarin so that he could encourage me to practice that language which I love.  I am not an easy girl to Master and I know that. I also know that while I want a Master, I do not need a Master. 

Is having a slave who wants you enough for you?  Having a Master who wants me is all I desire. In wanting me I know they will work with me to find a way to Master me that is as unique as they and I are.  There are no shortcuts or cookie cutter slaves with me.  

It is work to build a functional relationship with a complete and strong woman who comes to her knees by her choice and offers all that strength to another in pieces and over time.  I am one heck of a weapon and I can be wielded in mercy or judgement. I am a blade and I will be used. Yet all blades nick their owners at times. If not handled correctly it can be many times and deeply.  

I am glad you will be returning to this state today Master.  I suspect tomorrow will be the first time I will see you since the “disappointeds” were dropped.  I will be honest. I am not looking forward to seeing you again and again having you judge me as unpleasing to you.  I did what was right for me and I was honest and kind in doing so. I could have been mean but I chose not to. I remained true to who and what I am.  If what I am and who I am is unacceptable to you then maybe you shouldn’t be dating me. You are allowed to be hurt and upset. You are allowed to express that in any way you choose to.  And no that is not me giving you permissions but it is me acknowledging rights you have. 

I took care of me.  I always will. I have learned that even though the ideal in M/s is that the Master will always be there to catch the slave when they fall that no Master can actually be there for me when I fall everytime I fall.  My Master of Origin was the first to show me that Masters are human and cannot always put aside their own feelings enough to protect and support their slaves. The second try at a Master/slave dymanic reinforced that and now you too have demonstrated that to me.  So I have learned how to protect and support myself through the use of others, friends and family of choice.  

I work on trying to create a real world that I care for and that cares for me. I do this through friendships both in the SCA and in the Leather community and heck even in which laundromat I use.  I can and will find ways to be happy. Will you let me do that while I am owned by you? Will you choose to be part of that knowing that I do need my community of friends and family, knowing that it is a need? I don’t know your answer.  I hope it is yes.  

I love you

-xiaoyi

xiaoyi