How to Help

People have been asking me what they can do to help, and variations thereof, because of how difficult/painful things have been for me with my breakups.  Until very recently, I could not figure out what to tell them. What do I need to help me heal?  Well here are a few things:
Stop telling me it will get better – I know it will get better in time. When I am talking about how hard it is now, all I really need is people to listen and tell me they are sorry and that it sucks I am having to deal with so much pain right now.  I don’t want to be told it will get better, I want acknowledgement of where I am now.  Yes, it will get better.  Yes, the pain will lessen over time.  But right now that is not a comfort.  It is a very painful experience for me that says “since it will get better stop making a big deal out of it now.” I don’t think that is what anyone is trying to tell me but that is what I hear.  Probably because of my own messed up history and baggage.  But please, if I am willing to be vulnerable enough to show you my pain and talk about it with you, just listen and let me know you hear my pain.

 – When I ask you to reach out to the other parties involved, do it. I recognize that I have spent many years now meeting each of you and establishing relationships of various sorts with you and that you want to help me.  The other people involved in the break ups are people who are hurting and need friends too.  I have many friends who have come out to support me in their own ways and I am very blessed to have that.  It means a great deal to me to know you each care about me.  But I care about my exes even more then I care about me in many ways.  I know that they aren’t as open or easy going or able to open up and let people in, like I have and that they don’t have as large a support group of friends to help them out.  I want them to be able to know that people care about them too, regardless of if they are an item with me.  Trust me, they have a great deal to offer in friendship.  I know, I am still friends with them too.  And honestly, if you aren’t reaching out to them too, you are missing out on getting to be involved with some amazing people.  So help me out and help yourself out.  Ping them now and then too.</li>

 – Don’t tell me how good I’ve got it – Yes, I have the support structure that each of you offers me. Yes, if and when I am ready for play again, I will find people to play with.  Don’t tell me how lucky I am to have that because so many people don’t.  There are starving kids around the world, but that doesn’t increase my desire to eat food that is available to me.  Heck when my mom tried that technique on me as a kid to get me to eat my food, I replied with “send them this then.” I know that other people who have broken up don’t have the support or options I have.  I know that as a female, I have certain advantages in finding play partners if I want them.  I know that because I have built up friendships and am not very private about much of anything in my life, that I have many friends to help me out.  And yes I know others don’t have that.  But pointing it out to me leaves me very uncomfortable.  Mostly because I start almost feeling guilty that I do have those resources and I start thinking maybe I shouldn’t use them because not everyone has them.  I was raised Catholic and trust me that makes guilt a very easy thing for me to feel.  I don’t think that is the goal of such conversations but honestly they can inhibit me in reaching out to use the support of friends and might interfere with me trying to play with anyone when I am ready.  So please, don’t tell me how lucky I am.

 – Help me find ways to get my service kick and protocol practices – This doesn’t mean try to own me or have me serve you or your house. It does mean if you are having an event and need help please ask me if I will help.  It does mean if you are invited to an HP event and need a slave “escort” for the event, please ask me. It does mean that nonsexual service is something I crave and need.  I does mean I will help as house staff.  It does mean I am now working as a house-cleaner so that I can get some of my service fix and some income.  It does mean tell me if you have leathers needing attention OR if you want to learn how to care for leathers.  It does mean that I want to find events to attend where protocols will be in use.  It does mean that I will be practicing them on my own as well.  For those accustomed to me, most won’t even notice a change (yes I will still be asking before hugging you or your property).

 – Please invite me to things. I may not make it.  But getting invited helps me.  It lets me know people want to spend time with me.  As many of you know I have fibro so there are times I don’t have the energy to go to something but I may still want to.  Maybe as I continue figuring out how to be a “slave at large” I will find ways to be at places and attend events even when I am low on energy and maybe you all will be key to that as you help me learn to trust others want me around even if all I have the energy for is to sit on the floor and watch what is going on around me.

 – Be patient. Please, please, please be patient with me.  I know the pain and tears and sometimes overly formal interactions can be annoying to deal with.  But I am healing.  I am learning and growing here.  I know how I screwed up on the most recent relationship and I know a lot of the whys for that as well.  I am working on improving myself.  If you see me being dumb, please say something.  If you see me doing something right, please say something. Offer me advice.  I may not take action on it but I do want to hear people’s thoughts.</li>

 – Do NOT try to Villainize my Exes– And honestly it annoys me to no end that I even have to say that. These men are good people.  And I love them still.  Our relationships have changed and we are not in the close M/s relationship we were.  Perhaps there were incompatibilities.  Perhaps we moved too fast.  Perhaps one or both of us made a mistake and needed to step back.  They are good people and if I hear you trying to vilianize them or tell me I am better off without them etc, be prepared for me to aggressively correct you.

So there are some ways you each can help me.  Other than that, continue to be your awesome amazing selves, each of whom I have come to like and care for as well.  You are my tribe/family and you may be a distant relative but you are part of the people I know care for me and I care for you.  Thank you each and every one of you for being there for me.  I treasure my relationships, both those I have met in person and those who I only know or see on-line.  Thank you for being here with me on my journey and I hope you have smooth travels on yours.  If you hit some bumps, like I have, I hope I will be able to find ways to be there for you as well.  Thank you.

xiaoyi