Breaking breakup silence

One thing seldom discussed in our Power Exchange and Authority Transfer communities is breakups. Here’s is an edited journal about one of my M/s breakups. Hopefully by breaking the silence around this topic, we can get more discussions going on how to ethically end these relationships. Because I can vouch to you the words “you are released” do not end a slave’s service. I suspect it doesn’t actually end things on the Owner’s side either, but I can only speak of my experience. 

There are multiple different Masters referenced in this and I have chosen not to differentiate between them in this writing. 

This is going to be a bit more broken than most of my posts as my journals are simply me documenting my running conscience, and it will jump from topic to topic like an ADHD frog on crack.

“The break up with Master sucked and I still haven’t fully reclaimed everything back within myself and it hurts.  It hurts at conferences, it hurts at home, it hurts in classes, it hurts my play, and it hurts me. I really don’t want to risk a break up like that again but I also know that if I don’t, M/s will never be a thing for me. It will only be “s”.  Now, I did take a step in my healing process and actually step on stage and introduce myself as “slave xiaoyi” this past weekend at SWLC. It was a big deal for me. Even the hubby didn’t realise that though so… 

Sometimes the biggest steps we take are the ones no one else sees.  

I have a few players expressing interest in me and I want to play and play hard.  But I am not familiar with these folks at all. And it’s not at a conference or playspace. And they are thinking full on fucking which I am not certain I want from strangers currently.  Heck even with trusted friends I am very gunshy since I am not sure what will happen since I still haven’t fully been able to reclaim my sexuality for my last Owner. 

I can tell I am stressed or still hurting a lot because I keep sucking my lips in and biting them.  I’m also angry though I’ve been trying to deny that lately. 

My dress was a hit at SWLC which was nice.  One person even said “She’s so sexy and she knows it!”  Years of body movement training paying off there. Because, I most certainly do not know it of late.  I feel ugly, tired, broken, hideous and unwanted. All of which I know aren’t true yet it is what I have been feeling. I also cannot get enough sleep at all.  I have been making sand/slave shoes with my crochet lately. I have been enjoying the creation process but I have no idea how to turn them into cash.  

Master still hasn’t sent me the video.  I am really mad at him. He has had it for years now and never told me about it.  But he doesn’t tell me about anything really at all so I guess I should have expected it.  Still we had an amazing bond for 4+ years and now he simply doesn’t reach out to me at all.  And seldom replies when I reach out. It feels so odd realizing a man who owned me might as well be a stranger anymore. Especially since that’s not how I think about him. At least not yet. 

Goodness I hope I feel better for tomorrow.  I have a play party to enjoy and I may even have a playdate.  Goodness knows I need one. This once a month, at best, for play isn’t feeding the need in me at all!

I am really tired of heart-hurting though.  Really, really tired of it. Will I ever be able to fuck again without feeling twinges or more of guilt because my pussy or ass belongs to an ex? When a resent M-type I dated suggested maybe once they owned me, my ass would be for them alone, I froze. Complete fight, flight, freeze or fawn response of freeze. I don’t even have my body parts back fully from my last Owner and this person wants to claim one exclusively? Luckily, we were able to discuss this and they now understand why that’s such a frightening thought to me at this time. 

I’m so tired of being broken because Master didn’t make sure to return the parts of me he claimed, back into my custody when he released me. Even after I specifically asked that he do so. I’m extremely angry and saddened even to this day because of that. And I know my anger won’t change anything. There’s no useful place for me to channel it currently. We are starting to be friends again and I don’t want to damage that delicate new relationship by bringing up pain from the past, even if I do have to deal with it. I’m used to dealing with physical pain, maybe I can find ways to cope with this recently acknowledged anger as well. 

I’m Pissed and Angry with Master, too. He used me to produce his event without giving me any assistance, in part banking, I think, on my loyalty to him from the previous relationship and our friendship, yet he couldn’t even be bothered to find time during the three days of the event to thank me in person. Even though, almost every other event attendee found the time, or created time, to say thank you to me, for the work I was doing. This is the first time he’s ever left me feeling used in a bad way in the 9 years I’ve known him. 

He knows my skills from when he owned me. He knows my values and morals. He knew I couldn’t let my club or my community look bad even with his complete lack of planning or decent communication with me on what he expected. And I didn’t let either of those happen. Instead, I physically broke my body to make sure the club and community looked good. Instead, others at the event offered to help and did so while he stood around and did nothing or left early every day. The event went well and I know why. 

I also had people asking what was wrong between him and I because they thought we had a congenial breakup. I thought we had too. I’m not sure why he changed to,” I’m not going to interact with xiaoyi unless she initiates it. ” I do know that it hurt me and it was bad enough others asked me about it because they were concerned. It was a bittersweet combination of emotions there. Sweet in that others worried about me and about how I was being treated. Bitter because them noticing it, meant it wasn’t all in my head and I wasn’t being over-reactive or seeing things that weren’t there. 

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about either of these sources of anger and pain right now. Just keep living, breathing, loving and hoping, I guess. And evidently, I’ll keep sharing my story, even these painful parts, in hopes that it might help others. Even if, just to show that we aren’t ever alone. “

-slave xiaoyi