From pain to gratitude

It hurts! It hurts so much sometimes. This not being owned. They’re are times I want to rant and scream because I can remember how wonderful things are for me when I’m owned. How so much of my self doubt goes away more often than not. How wonderful it is to be guided even just a little by another who is trusted.  Being owned is a partnership like no other. For it is a partnership. Deliberately inequality in authority. Deliberately structured and beautiful. 

I have other partnerships also deliberately created but not with the inequality and surrender I crave. There are times I wish I had never ever been owned. Times I wish I couldn’t miss those feelings I crave and know they exist. 


I stop myself

For I do know. 

I do know it’s possible. I’ve had 4 owners of various styles and I’ve gotten to enjoy the wonder of those relationships.I stop myself because I have the intamate knowledge that Master/slave, that Owner/slave can work out. And I become grateful. I know what I desire is much more than just some fantasy. I know it can be real. I’ve had it and it’s amazing. Yes I miss it and yes I crave it and know that someday I must have it again!

But tonight, tonight I’m going to keep turning my pain into gratitude for those wonderful relationships of comfort in inequality that I have had and for the joys of those experiences. Maybe I’ll only reach melancholy. Yet I’m going to focus on gratitude for what I have experienced over there pain of what I don’t currently have, an Owner. 


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Richard - April 19, 2020 Reply

Hi Xiaoyi,
How long has it been since you have been owned? Why do you think your past ownerships have ended? I like the fact that you are looking forward to again being owned. How do you feel you would do with a new owner during this pandemic

I have had two subs in the past and was wondering your perspectives were on your experiences.

Feel free to ask any questions you have of me. I hope you find release of your pain soon!


    xiaoyi - April 24, 2020 Reply

    My last fulltime owner was about 2-3 years ago, now. Each relationship ended for different reasons. One was because we lacked the skills we needed to continue growing together and we realized we were harming each other and that was unacceptable to both of us. Another ended because of a primary poly relationship veto. I would say the next one ended due to cowardness on my owner’s part. The last one, I still do not know why it was ended and I don’t expect to ever actually understand it. I have simply had to move on.

    I am exploring a couple of Owners currently and we might end up with an M/s relationship during this pandemic. Who knows? At this point, I move slowly into being owned even when I can meet with people in person regularly. My community helps me meet my needs for control and dominance regularly. I have learned how to ask and who to ask for that.

    I do look forward to being owned again at some point in the future. I think I have much to offer and I am looking for an Owner whose values and mine complement each other. It is not an easy process deliberately building these relationships with someone and while I do enjoy the challenge, it is something I build slowly so that they will last. I have been fortunate enough with my previous relationships that I am still on good terms and friends even, with most of my previous Owners.

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