Dear Future Master from January

1-30-2020

Dear Future Master,

I really wish I knew where you were today. It’s been a very difficult last 32 hours since I learned my car was no longer at the shop. I’ve been completely furious and would really love to hear “good girl” from you right now and to know I’ve made you proud with the decisions I’ve made. 

I still kept my therapy apt. I participated in Homestone and think I managed to control my anger enough to be grateful in my presentations and carriage. 

I contacted the police. Tried to contact the junkyard. Did actually contact one of them but they were “unhelpful” at best. At least they were also unhelpful to the police officer. 

I did do my work for K. tonight. That also helped pick up my spirits a bit. I was firm in telling the hubby what my boundaries on acceptable behavior were. And he was able to both hear and respect them. I was very surprised that I was able to do this so well.

I cleaned up after the dinner the hubby made and did the dishes. Soon I’ll be trying to go to sleep, though I haven’t even tried before midnight. It was a very difficult day and I don’t want more nightmares so I’m pushing myself.

Still, I wonder if I did good enough. I didn’t live up to my ideals as much as I would like. Still, human I suspect is the reality but I wish you were here to tell me you were pleased with me. I think you would be. I hope you would be. If I were not inside of me and instead, looking at someone else in a similar situation, I would be. It’s harder when I’m inside of me. 

Still don’t need you and hope I never do need you. Want you. Crave you. Wish for you often. But not a need. 

Hopefully, you will want me too. 

-slave xiaoyi

xiaoyi