Musings about Service while unowned
When I served Master Koi, well that was a very different relationship. It was ongoing and getting the rooms ready with all his and his household’s clothing. It was making sure each person in His service had a day bag with them to care for Him if He needed it while they were with Him. It was helping organize the schedules for all to know where they were meeting when, so that He could have the service He desired. I was His first girl. His majordomo and I did it well. He always looked good at events because I helped ensure those serving Him would look good, in skills and form and resources. My fulfillment was in seeing Him not have to think about anything other than pick up play and enjoying Himself. And I was great at it. In return, I got to enjoy some rituals and getting to indulge my protocol slut and exhibitionist because others could see how naturally those protocols came to me.
I have not had, nor do I desire a “low” protocol life or mode. I know most do. Heck, I’ve had to turn it down a lot just to not scare off others and it seems to fail. I’ve never, ever gotten to do what I would consider high protocol even for the space of a scene. My passion for such outstrips most. And other people serving those I served are often intimidated by the simple standards I hold myself to. Asking before leaving Him if we aren’t in focused mode. Asking to side kneel before doing so. Not using furniture, though I’ve found lately I’m asking to use the furniture much more than I even want to use it because when I ask, I get that connection and by asking, even though I know the answer will always be yes, I get to feel His control actively instead of passively and that’s what I really want. I hardly ever kneel at home anymore. I don’t hold myself to that standard. I don’t train towards that goal of watching a movie, full length kneeling beside my Owner.
So why train?
There is a concept of a leader-slave that was an academic concept for me before, a mental exercise and possibly a growth path for me. Now it has become my daily surrender path.
Sometimes I imagine I am owned again. I knee to an empty spot of the floor each morning and each night to whisper words and think of responses that no one can hear yet I still hear and feel them inside my mind and heart.
In this surrender, I can take nothing for granted or assign acts values and meanings. Currently, breathing becomes a service. Smiling becomes a service. Caring for others becomes a service. Bootblacking is a service. Getting called ma’am even becomes a service(one I really don’t like).
Currently, I serve my community.
Yet, I still crave ownership. Perhaps someday again I will serve in these ways and also others. The actions I do being done to please my Owner.
Someday perhaps these acts of service will be to the will of another rather than me training myself and holding myself to a standard. Perhaps one day…..