My thoughts on 2020. What I didn’t know would happen is a long test on coping skills…

Journal entry
1/1/2020

Had a good scene last night with an Awesome Woman. Kicking, stomping, picking, slapping all very good. Yet I didn’t feel that connection I crave when I play. I did get to cry some. The first tears I’ve shed since I found out Rue, my cat, was sick again. I really feel like I need to cry more. I’ve been feeling that way for a while now.

I’m grieving something but I’m not sure what. My life perhaps. The weird Christmas we’ve had? The financial challenges and my health challenges? Being a solo slave? It’s not that I don’t smile and mean the smiles when I’m with others. It’s not that I don’t have hopes for this year. I have both. I do mean the smiles. I just also seen to have a buffer around my heart, walls that I don’t want there currently making it almost impossible for me to connect with others for some reason. I don’t want to be disconnected yet I am.

I feel a great amount of “otherness” in myself. Like I don’t belong with any group or organization. Like I’m not wanted or needed anywhere and it hurts.

I’ve been spending time under my full spectrum lamp trying to let that go and feel human. I know my hubsbdragon’s sickness and inability help around the house or connect with me had been hitting me hard too. I want to help him feel better but I can’t. I’ve gotten the meds and done what I can with the money but…. He’s still not feeling better.

I had someone suggest I build a house. Can slaves build leather houses? If I did the core tenants would be loving compassion. Random acts of kindness would be a daily goal.

I’m not doing great still. Even after a bath and telling the husbdragon I’m doing the depressing thing. The” screamer”* is very loud in my head right now. I feel very afraid and numb. I haven’t had a PTSD flare after a scene this bad in a really long time.

* I name my brain weasels based upon what they do the most of. Want to guess what this one does? I find naming them helps me address them in healthier ways and acknowledge the messages they are trying to send me without giving them power over me.