journal of the first half of August 2022
This month has been a very unusual one for me. Today is the 18th. And it is the first day where I only have one thing scheduled. Usually I try to schedule at least two days a week where I don’t have anything actively planned so that I can play catch up for anything I’ve missed.
My Master was being weaned off some medication that could cause seizures and therefore was not allowed to drive. So on the 31st of last month I headed off to Phoenix to be his designated driver for 10 days. And during those 10 days I learned that his classroom was not ready for children and helped get it so that it could actually be a science lab for 8th graders, rather than a creative chaos. Mind you part of this was due to the fact that supplies he had requested the previous year still hadn’t been delivered, until literally the last day before students would show up in the classrooms! That was a little insane and crazy.
And it meant that I spent most of the days helping him in the classroom, when we’d get home I’d eat and fall asleep almost immediately to get up at way-too-early-o’clock and do it again.
We also slipped in a fun and play party with a back to school night theme. The day of the play party Master had very prickly energy going on and when he finally talked to me about what was going on, we were able to do much better with it. Unfortunately due to the prickly cranky energy, even when he apologized to me and let me know that it was nothing to do with me that he was feeling it, I had already consciously unconsciously slipped into survivalist patterns of behavior from growing up. These including trying to be invisible and perfection in everything I did. It wasn’t until I began feeling resentment that I realized what I had been doing in falling into those habits. And from there I felt sad and ashamed that I hadn’t caught myself and stopped it prior to feeling resentment. That prompted a change in my behavior which lead Master to having a discussion with me.
So when we did have the conversation about what was going on, it was very difficult and intense for both of us. Though having him admit what he was angry about and share that with me was a giant relief for me! I can deal with almost anything as long as I know what’s actually going on.
It meant that when we did sceen at the party, it did not take very long at all for me to slip into catharsis and just start crying and crying and crying even though I didn’t want the scene to be over at all. We tried to continue three times before Master decided I was indeed done and that he would just hold me while I cried instead of us continuing to sceen.
On the day I was supposed to leave I ended up with a killer migraine that would have been hell to fly with, so instead of getting to spend an extra day with my girlfriend at her place before being on the road, I got to spend an extra day curled up in master’s bed trying not to die due to the migraine. Then I got to fly the next day. Which included a delay in my flight making the 1 hour and 30 minute flight almost 4 hours long. By the time I finally landed in Denver I was more than ready to be done traveling.
And yet the very next morning I was jumping in a car helping pick up my girlfriend’s new title vest and heading out towards a 15 and a half hour drive to Indiana. It was time for me to go and visit the Library on the same weekend that the North Central regional of the Women of Drummer event was happening. I was going primarily to continue growing the Crossroads Annex of the Carter Johnson Library and Collection and to help out Mama with the mothership Carter Johnson. But I was very glad that I was able to schedule in time to participate in most of the Women of Drummer activities as well. From the bar night, to the round table, to the play party that got moved into our bedroom, well mostly. Our bedroom was on the exact same level as the play party was moved to when it got moved to Mama’s house instead of being at a different location. To brunch and discussion on Sunday.
Yet I still came home with some wonderful things of Colorado history as well as some pieces of the Southwest regional histories that I get to have and share with the Crossroads Annex areas. On the way there and on the way back we did stop at a hotel part way through each way. Which I am very grateful for given the level of exhaustion both the girlfriend and I had during these trips. We both ended up pretty much useless the day after we got back as we rested and our bodies insisted on recovery. While our hearts were full, we used up a great deal of energy.
Neither of us are neurotypical. In addition to that we both have differing physical conditions that we have to cater to.
The morning after I got back, I got to go get my injections for my pain doctor which usually knocks me on my ass for a day or two but we’re also extremely needed after spending over 30 hours in a car over a 5-day span.
Now I am negotiating where the Crossroads Annex will go next and preparing for more fun and insanity while still taking slow, easy days as much as I can.
And while taking my older cat to the vet today. The only required task of the day being getting the cat to the vet and Master has ordered me to take a bath with a new book and relax for a while. So today will mostly be spent with r&r which in my case is rest and recovery not rest and relaxation and hopefully it will help me stop having the mass cell activation syndrome as engaged as it has been. A stress response in most likelihood. Also could have been induced by the fact that it’s almost impossible to maintain my normal diet while traveling.
So that is what this slaveheart has been up to during the first half of this month. You will see me next at Back Alley at Trade in Denver August 27th and 28th. Future dates and locations of where I’ll be will be forthcoming.