One of the ways I get to be me and allow myself the fewest filters around who I am in public is to have a few strong committed relationships. Ones that I know no matter what I do and how I screw up, those relationships will not be at risk.
There is a quote, I think Jim Rohn is the one who said it, “Commitment is holding to what you said you would do long after the emotion of when you said it has passed.”
That’s what I mean by committed relationships. That there may be serious consequences or punishments at times and sometimes deep work needing to be done if those relationships are hurt or damaged in any way, but the relationship is not at risk. Ever. Unless there is a lot of warning and discussion and attempts to fix them first and everyone involved knows they are at risk. I think this style of relationship gives everyone involved in them more strength and courage to be themselves, even when it is not a power or authority exchange relationship.
For me, surrender is a commitment. It is a commitment to my Owner. I’m decent at commitment as my marriage shows. The husband and I have been together 14+ years and still going and growing.
Recently I took some classes with Master Obsidian and slave namaste. In their classes, they said something that I found resonates very well. “The King is the King. If the King is wrong, He is still the King!” It was a conflict resolution class for Master/slave relationships. Conflicts get resolved a bit differently in M/s. The slave can provide input if the Master/King desires it but in the end, the King is the King. As the slave, I always get the last word in any dispute, “Yes Sir,” and this is a comfort to me and how I thrive in my Master/slave relationships. Living in this manner thrills me and fulfills me as no other relationship I have ever been in has. I obey and serve my King.
Once the King makes their decision, the slave acknowledges and begins not only to obey but to also want what the Master wants as well. This is called will-alignment. As it happens, resentful obedience can become joyful obedience and resistance melts away. It is a beautiful feeling and a glorious thing to participate in.
It has been a little over a month now and still now, I am trying to get to the point of will-alignment with my King. The Master wants nothing more than friendship with me. He has made His decision, the King is the King, it has been made, it has been publicized and that’s where I am at. Trying to conform my will unto His. I am still at the resentful rather than joyful stage on obeying this.
Some people will say this isn’t healthy. To them, I say Bullshit! Just because this is not right for you, does not mean that this is not right for me. “Your Thing is Not My Thing but your Thing is OK” and “Do What you will Harm None” apply here. This is what’s right for me and how I chose to live authentically.
The King did what He thinks is best for He and His. And I yes, I was a part of His. And I chose to believe that He took my well-being into account when He made His decision. And I do choose to trust that he did. He is that kind of man. It is why I gave him my surrender.
I had recently learned that the commitment was solid. That nothing I did would result in the end of us without the ability to appeal it. Which is the free-est place this slave can be. When they know that their Master or their Owner is committed to them. I had His word, as He had promised me this. It gives me the strength to do things far beyond my normal capabilities because I knew the Sir will always be there. To help me recover, if needed and to help guide and correct me if I make mistakes.
For me, that included pushing physical and psychological boundaries for the sake of obedience. And I chose to obey and make something successful for Him even though it pushed me into breaking points. I did this in part, I knew the end was in sight, two weeks; I knew there would be a celebration, Thunder in the Mountains a week later; and I knew we weren’t at risk. He would be there to help put me back together if needed.
I had no reason to trust that we weren’t at risk, other than to my knowledge The Sir had never lied to me.
I chose to trust Him.
We have always been honest with each other. And I honestly believe that He broke His word, now. And it sucks because now I have to try and put myself back together without that solid, trusted relationship.
Yet, I still choose to believe in Him and to trust Him. He is still my King.
I surrendered to Him. Deeper than I have been able to surrender to anyone else. To me, that means I have to try to come into alignment on this with Him too. That means I have to get to the point where I want to be “just friends” too. I ain’t there yet. On the plus side, my surrender requires nothing from Him now. I just keep trying to get to the point where I desire to be just friends, like He does. The King is still the King.
This is what is right for me. I’m still surrendered to Him. I may always be surrendered to him. I don’t know. But in my surrender, I promised obedience and that I would strive to align my will to His, in all things. This is a process. Currently, it is not a pleasant process in any way. But I gave Him my promise and my surrender. It is right for me, to hold to that promise.
It will take time. I still truly and deeply believe that my King made the wisest decision He could. Given all the data He had available, for the well-being of Himself and His kingdom, including me. I do not agree with some of the conclusions He has drawn, but I do not need to agree with them. I need to simply obey and work towards alignment.
I need to continue to be myself, live my values to the best of my abilities and to “Do the next right thing.” I have always been and will continue to be, a work in progress. Someone who allows different facets of themselves to show up in different situations. This isn’t unusual. Most of us do it. There is a slightly different facet of ourselves we put in the fore when we are at work, another one when we are at the club. For example the “cocksucking, pussy eating, fuckmeat” facet of me is not the one I tend to bring to the fore when I am working at a housekeeping client’s. I tend to bring to the fore the detail oriented, slightly obsessive, focused individual with a very professional demeanor. I leave the cocksucking, pussyeating whore for the club or private events and engagements where that is more appropriate and welcome. And until about a month ago, for Him.
I recognise all the facets of myself, even if I don’t always let all of them be seen by everyone. One of the most vulnerable and seldom seen aspects of myself is my lil. Yes I do have one. And she is very shy and I protect her fiercely. Which means 98-99 percent of people will never meet my little. Other littles often recognise that I have a little; some bigs do too. But to the general crowds in most places, that facet is not one that is in the fore.
I gave my surrender. I gave it at a time when it was easy. It was given when the emotions were beautiful and strong. I have two choices now. I can choose to honor my commitment. To honor my promise as a slave and as a woman and as a leather woman, to put His desires above mine. To learn to align myself with His will. Or I can renege on that promise, be a liar and an oathbreaker and do my damnedest to change His mind. That means there is no choice for me.
I gave my oath to support my King. I didn’t give my oath to support my King only when I thought He was right. I gave my oath to support my King. He is my King. I gave my oath to that. So I am struggling to align my will with His and to want nothing more than friendship from the man who is my King.
It’s not easy. It’s especially not easy now that I understand what His concerns are. I was finally able to understand what was His primary concern regarding all of this and why He released me. All I can do regarding that is continue being me. And if He chooses to watch and look, He will see. And if he chooses not to or to look for problems with me, He is still the King. And I work to align my will to His because He is my King. When I succeed, He will no longer be my king and that thought breaks my heart.
But whether it breaks my heart or not, I don’t have another choice because of who and what I am. That’s me. That’s me, being true to who and what I am. I am His surrendered slave. And if being His surrendered slave means learning how to be just friends, and when I am just friends I will stop being His surrendered slave, so be it. This is my truth. This is where I am at.
And I am terrified of putting this out there. I am terrified that people will judge Him and judge me. I am terrified that they will tell me what I am doing isn’t healthy. Even though I know that for me, it is. And for those of you who are worried: yes I do have a therapist, yes she knows about this, and yes she agrees with and supports my thoughts on this. So do some of the other elders in my community that I have talked to and sought wisdom from.
If you want to take sides, please see the civil war post. There are not bad guys here. Do not try and villainize my King!
This is my truth. This is my reality. As always, my place of strength is in my surrender and my community. My community recharges me and by reaching out to me and sharing their stories with me and allowing me to share mine with them, they anchor me. I am strong, I am connected and I know that I am loved. It’s not the same as the committed relationships I mentioned before at the beginning of this. No, it is not the same but it does give me strength. A different strength but strength.
This is who and what I am and where I am. I am a slave who is surrendered but unowned. I serve a King who has not taken me as His vassal. Which is His right. And I choose to keep trusting that King and His decisions and maintaining my surrender. As I strive to figure out how to be just friends with The Sir who sits upon a throne.