I haven’t shared much lately in what’s been going on with me. It’s been a very difficult year emotionally for me. I was not prepared for my post step-down drop. I figured with the imsl prep I wouldn’t have much. I was wrong.
Imsl itself was a huge investment of time, spirit, heart, energy and soul. And upon my return I didn’t force myself to go to the aftercare I had planned for myself and get myself to instantly return to my community and feel their love for me. I didn’t feel like I deserved their love since I hadn’t won for them. They disagree but it was what I was
feeling along with a bunch of other old baggage.
I also forgot to call and schedule my therapy appointment upon my return. At the appointment before imsl I decide to wait until after the contrast so that if I won, I’d have a better understanding of my availability and wouldn’t have to inconvenience her by rescheduling. In the future, I will risk changing her schedule.
When the depression hits it can be hard to remember my tools and team. My friends are my strength quite literally as I am an extrovert and recharged by who I spend my time with. I pulled away from people yet kept taking on the workload I can handle when I’m healthy and feeling 100%. I cannot do as much when I’m not 100% but I wanted to. I felt like I had to to prove that even though I didn’t win, I still had some form of personal worth. The old demons told me I didn’t.
Like any wounded animal, I pulled in hard. I didn’t socialize or reach out even when people would tell me,”if I can do anything, please let me know”. I wanted to reach out but the voices of the part kept telling me I didn’t deserve those people and I struggled and worked even harder to try and be worthy of the people I wanted to go back to and be with.
During this time my PCP suggested a new medication to try and help reduce my fibro pain which was going through the roof and reducing my functionality even more. Depression gets worse when you physically can’t get it of bed most of the day and can’t think even when on the heavy pain meds because of how much you hurt. The meds he had me on basically threw my entire emotional state back into puberty. Flashes of complete irrationally, anger, sadness, bordering on mania at times and I started getting things done but sporadically and I was a hot mess.
About a month ago I realised how bad it had gotten for me, looked at my list of tools and called my therapist. She removed me from that medication, have me some exercises and I started the long road to healing again.
You see since late February/early March I have been so caught up in my past and the pain it was causing me that I lost sight of my goals and ceased most of the activities that helped keep me balanced. I felt I wasn’t good enough to deserve them and the demons from my past encouraged this outlook. I was not living my values of playfulness and vivacity nor of synergy and passion.
When I realised this, I started looking back to see when I got off course. When had I begin this drift and what was I doing back then that I hadn’t been doing since and this is where I found that I had left my values, ignored my personal mission statement, and had repeatedly not reached it to the community, my community that is my support and heart and feeds my soul. I had been starting myself to death while there was a full banquet laid out in front of me and I simply was to blind by my own pain to see it.
During this time, I pulled heavily on my husband and The Sir and the pups that came into my life. I used them as any drowning person would a life preserver. Clinging and hurting begging them to help me. But I wasn’t really about to communicate my needs. These past two and a half weeks, I’ve started redoing those actions that I was doing before. I’m reading my values and affirmations daily. I’m reciting my mission statement and even if I don’t feel worthy of it, I’m grateful to the friends who have reached out and offered me love and support and I’m trying very hard not to reject it like I have been but instead to be grateful for it.
As I’ve done this and taken stock of where I’m at, I’ve realised how far off course I’ve gotten. It’s frightening how far I’ve drifted away from my computer and the demons tried to use that fear to drag me even further away.
For the past two weeks I used The Sir’s strength to motivate me to get out of bed even because of how loud the voices were and I used his “do the next right thing” to force myself through those old actions that use to bring me joy. For those two weeks I pulled on the strength that comes from being surrendered to the will of another. It was painful and I had been given an almost impossible talk to complete by The Sir during that time as well. But I kept pushing through. I knew he wanted me to and he wouldn’t have ordered me to do that task if he didn’t have faith in me that I could do it. I didn’t do it very gracefully but I was the venue liaison for Voodoo Leatherworks to RMD and as ordered, I made sure the things from Voodoo’s side happened and the club looked good. Well possibly minus my very stressed out energies.
Saturday night the event was finished and I felt the relief wash over me. The Sir told me I did a good job even and that glow along with the repeated activities I had been forcing myself through for self-care, through the strength being sundered to him gives me began to melt the seal around the hurt and pain the preceding months had installed.
That night he gave me one of the sweetest gifts a Master can give a slave in pain. He granted me catharsis. I don’t often cry much in scenes, though I love it when I do. This time, by the third hit of the flogger, I was crying. He played hard and deep. I let the tears flow finally. All the pain from those long months. All the pain from my past that left me unable to accept love from others went streaming down my face. I screamed. I screamed my rage at the abuse that feed those demons for so much of my life. I screamed my rage at not being able to pull myself out of it and “snap out of it” them I began crying my pain at not realizing that I needed to slow down myself and for not realizing how far off course if gotten. He tried to end it then but I begged him “please don’t stop Sir” and he listened. I think he even ampted it up higher and I screamed I screamed rage and pain and hurt and cried tears now of joy. Finally I was getting the release I needed. Finally my request for help and for catharsis was being granted and he had listened to my request and chosen to Grant it instead of asking me to wait and be patient. This time when he came up and ordered me to my knees, I didn’t ask for more. The tears were still flowing. Cleansing tears now. Some tears even if forgiveness but mostly tears of gratitude and he let me cry. Nestled up against his leather clad legs, he let me cry. Petting my head, he let me cry. And for the first time in months, I didn’t feel worthless. For the first time in months when he told me “all is well” I didn’t have to choose to trust in him to believe it. I could truly believe that all indeed was well and that we would get through this. My course would be corrected and I could find ways to reconnect with my strength in my communities and I could once again become whole instead of broken.
Some of that hurt I gave him on that cross that night was over 30 years old and had been festering that long. Slowly poisoning me. I had been trying to remove it myself. Trying to lance the wound and let it heal but I hadn’t been able to. He not only lanced it but washed it clean in my tears and his gift to me of that pain and process. He broke through that wall of self loathing and my screams of rage think the demons back down to size and the skunk back towards their caves. There, ever present but knowing they could no longer interfere with my surrender and my life. For my life is about surrender, both to the higher power and to my owner. That is why for the two weeks prior, I used the strength of knowing what he would want in doing the next right thing to find my values again. To get out of bed each day. To restart the rituals of self-care that help make me me. Because the strength of surrender. The strength that comes from that is stronger than any of the demons I face.
I’ve been released but my surrender is still there. And I’m still using it to help heal myself cleaning after that wonderful gift he gave me last Saturday. I will not squander the gifts granted of control, of healing and of strength.
And I’m reevaluating what I can do right now knowing I’m not currently at that 100% I’d like to be at. I’m focusing back on my priorities and my values. I’m opening my heart back up and accepting the love and support that all of you have been offering me this entire time and I ran away from. It’s going to be a process. It’s not going to be simple or easy. And I ask for your patience with me as I do find my way back. And please if you see me not walking my talk, ask me about it. All me if I’m being true to me. I’m I being true to xiaoyi. Because you all are my strength and my support. And I need you and your love as well as those of my very close circle that I shrunk into.
xiaoyi the slaveheartbootblack
Dedicated Service and Excellence Always