A scorge for healing and the pain of several months

I haven’t shared much lately in what’s been going on with me. It’s been a very difficult year emotionally for me. I was not prepared for my post step-down drop. I figured with the imsl prep I wouldn’t have much. I was wrong.

Imsl itself was a huge investment of time, spirit, heart, energy and soul. And upon my return I didn’t force myself to go to the aftercare I had planned for myself and get myself to instantly return to my community and feel their love for me. I didn’t feel like I deserved their love since I hadn’t won for them. They disagree but it was what I was

feeling along with a bunch of other old baggage.

I also forgot to call and schedule my therapy appointment upon my return. At the appointment before imsl I decide to wait until after the contrast so that if I won, I’d have a better understanding of my availability and wouldn’t have to inconvenience her by rescheduling. In the future, I will risk changing her schedule.

When the depression hits it can be hard to remember my tools and team. My friends are my strength quite literally as I am an extrovert and recharged by who I spend my time with. I pulled away from people yet kept taking on the workload I can handle when I’m healthy and feeling 100%. I cannot do as much when I’m not 100% but I wanted to. I felt like I had to to prove that even though I didn’t win, I still had some form of personal worth. The old demons told me I didn’t.

Like any wounded animal, I pulled in hard. I didn’t socialize or reach out even when people would tell me,”if I can do anything, please let me know”. I wanted to reach out but the voices of the part kept telling me I didn’t deserve those people and I struggled and worked even harder to try and be worthy of the people I wanted to go back to and be with.

During this time my PCP suggested a new medication to try and help reduce my fibro pain which was going through the roof and reducing my functionality even more. Depression gets worse when you physically can’t get it of bed most of the day and can’t think even when on the heavy pain meds because of how much you hurt. The meds he had me on basically threw my entire emotional state back into puberty. Flashes of complete irrationally, anger, sadness, bordering on mania at times and I started getting things done but sporadically and I was a hot mess.

About a month ago I realised how bad it had gotten for me, looked at my list of tools and called my therapist. She removed me from that medication, have me some exercises and I started the long road to healing again.

You see since late February/early March I have been so caught up in my past and the pain it was causing me that I lost sight of my goals and ceased most of the activities that helped keep me balanced. I felt I wasn’t good enough to deserve them and the demons from my past encouraged this outlook. I was not living my values of playfulness and vivacity nor of synergy and passion.

When I realised this, I started looking back to see when I got off course. When had I begin this drift and what was I doing back then that I hadn’t been doing since and this is where I found that I had left my values, ignored my personal mission statement, and had repeatedly not reached it to the community, my community that is my support and heart and feeds my soul. I had been starting myself to death while there was a full banquet laid out in front of me and I simply was to blind by my own pain to see it.

During this time, I pulled heavily on my husband and The Sir and the pups that came into my life. I used them as any drowning person would a life preserver. Clinging and hurting begging them to help me. But I wasn’t really about to communicate my needs. These past two and a half weeks, I’ve started redoing those actions that I was doing before. I’m reading my values and affirmations daily. I’m reciting my mission statement and even if I don’t feel worthy of it, I’m grateful to the friends who have reached out and offered me love and support and I’m trying very hard not to reject it like I have been but instead to be grateful for it.

As I’ve done this and taken stock of where I’m at, I’ve realised how far off course I’ve gotten. It’s frightening how far I’ve drifted away from my computer and the demons tried to use that fear to drag me even further away.

For the past two weeks I used The Sir’s strength to motivate me to get out of bed even because of how loud the voices were and I used his “do the next right thing” to force myself through those old actions that use to bring me joy. For those two weeks I pulled on the strength that comes from being surrendered to the will of another. It was painful and I had been given an almost impossible talk to complete by The Sir during that time as well. But I kept pushing through. I knew he wanted me to and he wouldn’t have ordered me to do that task if he didn’t have faith in me that I could do it. I didn’t do it very gracefully but I was the venue liaison for Voodoo Leatherworks to RMD and as ordered, I made sure the things from Voodoo’s side happened and the club looked good. Well possibly minus my very stressed out energies.

Saturday night the event was finished and I felt the relief wash over me. The Sir told me I did a good job even and that glow along with the repeated activities I had been forcing myself through for self-care, through the strength being sundered to him gives me began to melt the seal around the hurt and pain the preceding months had installed.

That night he gave me one of the sweetest gifts a Master can give a slave in pain. He granted me catharsis. I don’t often cry much in scenes, though I love it when I do. This time, by the third hit of the flogger, I was crying. He played hard and deep. I let the tears flow finally. All the pain from those long months. All the pain from my past that left me unable to accept love from others went streaming down my face. I screamed. I screamed my rage at the abuse that feed those demons for so much of my life. I screamed my rage at not being able to pull myself out of it and “snap out of it” them I began crying my pain at not realizing that I needed to slow down myself and for not realizing how far off course if gotten. He tried to end it then but I begged him “please don’t stop Sir” and he listened. I think he even ampted it up higher and I screamed I screamed rage and pain and hurt and cried tears now of joy. Finally I was getting the release I needed. Finally my request for help and for catharsis was being granted and he had listened to my request and chosen to Grant it instead of asking me to wait and be patient. This time when he came up and ordered me to my knees, I didn’t ask for more. The tears were still flowing. Cleansing tears now. Some tears even if forgiveness but mostly tears of gratitude and he let me cry. Nestled up against his leather clad legs, he let me cry. Petting my head, he let me cry. And for the first time in months, I didn’t feel worthless. For the first time in months when he told me “all is well” I didn’t have to choose to trust in him to believe it. I could truly believe that all indeed was well and that we would get through this. My course would be corrected and I could find ways to reconnect with my strength in my communities and I could once again become whole instead of broken.

Some of that hurt I gave him on that cross that night was over 30 years old and had been festering that long. Slowly poisoning me. I had been trying to remove it myself. Trying to lance the wound and let it heal but I hadn’t been able to. He not only lanced it but washed it clean in my tears and his gift to me of that pain and process. He broke through that wall of self loathing and my screams of rage think the demons back down to size and the skunk back towards their caves. There, ever present but knowing they could no longer interfere with my surrender and my life. For my life is about surrender, both to the higher power and to my owner. That is why for the two weeks prior, I used the strength of knowing what he would want in doing the next right thing to find my values again. To get out of bed each day. To restart the rituals of self-care that help make me me. Because the strength of surrender. The strength that comes from that is stronger than any of the demons I face.

I’ve been released but my surrender is still there. And I’m still using it to help heal myself cleaning after that wonderful gift he gave me last Saturday. I will not squander the gifts granted of control, of healing and of strength.

And I’m reevaluating what I can do right now knowing I’m not currently at that 100% I’d like to be at. I’m focusing back on my priorities and my values. I’m opening my heart back up and accepting the love and support that all of you have been offering me this entire time and I ran away from. It’s going to be a process. It’s not going to be simple or easy. And I ask for your patience with me as I do find my way back. And please if you see me not walking my talk, ask me about it. All me if I’m being true to me. I’m I being true to xiaoyi. Because you all are my strength and my support. And I need you and your love as well as those of my very close circle that I shrunk into.


xiaoyi the slaveheartbootblack

Dedicated Service and Excellence Always

I’m not PC and neither is my Leather

I am very curious when the leather community became so obsessed with being PC. Aren’t our roots in being sexual rebels. In extreme authenticity of the self, regardless of what is acceptable by society? Especially our sexual selves.

Perhaps I have bought too much into a “romanticized” view of the mythical “old guard” era. Maybe my leather ancestors calmly sat drinking tea, engaging in polite discussion about how others had privilege and they didn’t, so could you please see to that? Or maybe they drank piss and vinegar chanting “We’re here. We’re queer. We aren’t going anywhere.” in riots, in jail, in the streets, in protests, and in people’s faces.

Maybe they fucked rough and kinky without giving any trigger warnings first and expected people who were offended by their “play” to fuck off or look away.

Maybe they went as soft as some of the new leather folks, some of the ones who found leather when I did and since. Maybe they knew that simply by living and existing triggers happen. Things that make people uncomfortable happen. And maybe they even knew their existence made this happen for people.

News flash folks, even as kink and gay become more mainstream and “acceptable”, some of us are still in that group where our mere existence offends others.

And some of us don’t give a damn about being PC. Some of us are still willing to be rebels not in the cute 1950’s stud or in the Grease way but by being true to ourselves and saying fuck you to those who are offended by our views, how we Express them and where we Express them.

Some of us are willing to be confrontational even when it means not being invited to certain conferences or events. Some of us are still willing to “play” without warning those around that we might trigger them. Though I do warn DMs, if I’m going to be doing rough body play or heavy CNC my way, so they don’t get in my way. That’s a courtesy to them since they are often volunteers and DM’s can’t always walk away if they get triggered.

You see, I do have PTSD and the paperwork from my shrink to prove it. I have the years of therapy and training on how to deal with being triggered and with having flashbacks hit. And that’s the deal folks, being triggered is your shit to deal with. It’s your job to learn how to walk away and leave and how to control yourself and uncomfortable feelings that come up when you say you are triggered. I’m not the only person with full documented PTSD in the scene and almost every single one of us have learned how to deal with it and manage it for ourselves rather than whine that we are being triggered. Heck, in my case if I smell a certain cologne, I will start having flashbacks to an acute trauma. One that comes with full on body shakes. And this isn’t something that might happen only when I’m in a dungeon or reading articles, it can happen when I’m grocery shopping. And it has. And I couldn’t fuss about “it’s not fair. That guy was wearing a scent I don’t like here. He needs to warn people he wears that”. No! I had to find a way to remove myself from the trigger and then to recenter myself in this reality and not in the flashback all while shaking uncontrollably in the grocery store.

Is it”fair”?  Hell no! Life isn’t fair. Every single time I walk out my door or open a browser window or do anything that might be considered living, I risk having flashbacks happen or having my PTSD triggered.  Now I have two options. Stay at home in my completely controlled environment, until they kick me out because I didn’t make money to pay rent, or to accept life has risks and that being triggered or triggering are part of those risks.

I chose the second. I chose to risk being triggered and to learn the skills I need to deal with it when I do get triggered. I chose to risk triggering others because of what I am and how I live.

I believe in Risk Aware Consensual Life. Which means by being alive, I consent to all the risks. The risks of being killed, hurt, triggered, upset. The risks of being loved, cherished, healed, joyful. Because people, the world doesn’t care if you are triggered or not. It doesn’t care if you are offended. If you are offended, that’s your stuff to work on. According to one wise person, if you aren’t offended, you aren’t really paying attention.  And if you are in the Leather scene and you expect me to be PC, you will likely be offended. And I’m ok with that. If you aren’t, that is your problem. I’m leather and I’m a sexual rebel. I’m not meant to be PC. I’m meant to be me.

Thank you.

A Rant on Being Self-Owned : Sometimes It’s Not Pretty

I don’t always feel this way but sometimes I do. Below is a rant from one day when being self-owned was really draining and hard for me. I suspect every unowned slaveheart has felt something similar at times. While I am very happy with my life over all, there are sometimes I need to rant. This was one of them:

I hate being selfowned and not having that additional strength of Master and knowing I’m doing what they desires really can make a difference in getting things done. Be it self care or motivation.

I miss that level of acceptance and trust. The hubby and I don’t have it because we aren’t power exchange. And if we were, odds are I’d be the top so to speak because I want more and am willing to take more risks to get it than he is. We have many shared wants but I’m willing to push and do scary things much faster than he is. Between that and either owning my own business or always doing high stress high decision jobs, maybe that’s why I need to surrender so much and so deeply.

Maybe someday I’ll find a Master who is willing and able to own me and has the time to make the sacrifices needed to take care of me and understand me and who will permit me to actually learn them and love them and care for them as well.

Devoting myself and my resources to someone else and having them to help me, honestly to decide for me when I’m hurting and such if I should push through or not would be so helpful to me. Because either way then I’m not second guessing my decision all day long. Because then I have the added standby and comfort that I’m doing what Master wants and if I end up broken they will help fix me. Right now if I decide wrong, no one will help fix me. The hubby might make suggestions but he won’t actually draw me a bath and put me in it  unless I remember to ask or make me eat or rub me down where I hurt. Master Koi would do all those things for me if I needed them. But now I’m the one in charge of me. Solely. And I don’t always have the energy for that level of self care.

I hate being self owned. I hate not having that back up of spoons from my Master that I can draw upon to obey. Because doing something for Master does give me extra spoons. Not a ton but enough that I can usually get it done. And if I’m told to self care, it reduces my guilt at not doing whatever it was I had to cancel so I was less likely to beat myself up. I hate being self owned.

Negotiations a Starting Point

I have been asked how to negotiate scenes and what I do to have the fun scenes I have.  Well I often have these with me at conferences.  And I don’t always use them but I figured I would share the xiaoyi-Scene Negotiation Starting Point List.

I have also gone through and added comments on it in Italics.  Usually, I start my negotiations simply with flirting and not being afraid to say “oh that sounds hot! Tell me more” and some of my best scenes we have touched on the points in this document yet I never pulled it out and made sure we hit each point.  Over the years, I have learned what to share and know where my limits are in scenes and have confidence in both calling red and yellow as well as making sure I play in spaces that my safewords, if used will be respected.  

I also tend to play harder at events like conferences than I do other places, except my home,  because at conferences I don’t have to drive anywhere after play so if I want to stay all floaty and not recenter and come to ground, I can.  I am not willing to risk others lives by driving while energy drunk from a great intense scene.  

xiaoyi’s – Scene Negotiations Starting point:

I flag orange and leather worship. This is seldom stated as I wear my hankies most of the time.  I self-identify as a protocol slaveheart and bootblack.

I love intense sensations pleasure and pain. My partners all seem to agree that I am a HEAVY masochist.

I prefer to give in the scene feedback but can and have used safewords and have no problem using the yellow/red system if that is preferred.  I tend to prefer words or feline noises myself. (a growl and a purr are both very good sounds meaning I am liking what you are doing.  I have no problems crying in a scene and do not think my tears are a reason to stop.  And if I call you “sadist” in scene, that is a big compliment on your skills. Having this knowledge of how I tend to respond is really useful to share.  I don’t do the “no, no, no” thing so had to find other ways of giving feedback and cat sounds started coming naturally and are pretty easy to understand IF your partner knows to expect them.  

  •         Words to avoid:  Worthless (this is big trigger words for me)
  •         Words I love: girl, slave, “will you take my pain?”, good girl
  •         No bio-penis penetration below my waist.  Manual manipulation is acceptable and preapproved toys or toys from my aftercare bag are acceptable.
  •         My bottoms of my feet and between my toes are off limits.
  •         I prefer warm over cold as cold will often reduce scene length (due to fibro cold is much more intense).
  •         There are two point in that “sweet spot” of the thigh and butt meeting that are fibro trigger points and create body-wide waves of pain that do reduce how long I can play)
  •         My last STD panel was run in Aug 2016 and I have a high risk strain of HVP.  All other tests results are clear. This gets updated every six month or so as I get tested.  It is best to be upfront about this and it can be really hot honestly.  After all a partner who respects you enough to share with you what risks they know you are taking is a partner who cares about you.  
  •         Marks are fine.  No permanent body modification at this time and I would like to avoid broken bones :>
  •         I do enjoy knives, single tails, bondage, pressure points, predicaments, biting, face slapping, canes, and so much more.
  •         Fire tends to make me giggle

You might have noticed that I mixed in what I like and what my limits are in the same list.  This is intentional on my part because it isn’t just a list of No’s this way but also covers some alternatives and suggestions to make sure that my partners stay engaged in the fun =, sexy hotness of what we are negotiating as well as being aware of my limits with them.  And for some partners, not all limits apply.

I have gone non-verbal before with intense scenes and well known and trusted partners.  If this happens I will hold up 7 fingers to let you know. I can still respond to yes or no questions but I respond much slower; please only ask one question at a time.

It turns out that tops really don’t like it if you suddenly go non-verbal to them and they don;t know you can do so.  It freaks them out a bit.  So after the first time this happened and I learned I COULD end up non-verbal, I warn all partners just in case.  

I see pain as a gift that some amazing people are able to bring and share with folks like me.  I will ask you about what sort of aftercare you need as a top. My drop is usually 3-4 days after a scene.  I do carry my own after care kit with blanket, chocolate and aftercare socks.  I often like being able to help clean up if I am coherent enough to do so.

Finding out what kind of aftercare your partner needs as a top or as a bottom is important.  For me I can be quite happy kneeling in a corner alone, facing a wall for my aftercare at times.  If my partner is expecting cuddles or needs cuddles, I need to know that as the bottom so that we don’t end the scene and I go to meditate while facing the wall and they need snuggles.  Or the reverse. I also sometimes schedule my aftercare with others because I might need a really intense cathartic beating yet the skilled person I trust to beat me through that place might not be someone I trust with the very vulnerable place I know such scenes place me in. In those cases, I will have someone I do trust on standby for my aftercare.  Or if the top is doing tastings and needs to get to the next person, aftercare can be done by others not involved in the tasting.  When I was attached to a big rope top, he would do 10-20 suspensions in a night and could not do the aftercare for each as he had a line.  However after the night was over, HE needed aftercare.  Know what you need and what you can and can’t or won’t do and negotiate that too.   

Please make sure I get returned to room # _____ if I cannot remember where I belong.  Thank you!!! Yes I list my room number here because I have gotten floaty enough that I needed a designated walker to help get me to my room and get the door open with the key.  I don’t play with people I don’t trust to take me to my room and tuck me in without violating any agreements we have made. I just don’t.  I recommend you don’t either.  

I hope that this list and it’s comments help you in your play and negotiations.  I don’t usually teach how I negotiate in any way but since I have been asked about it I decided I would share this.  Remember listen to your gut when deciding who to  play with.  Just because someone is a presenter or sexy as hell does not mean they are the right person for you to play with.  If your guts is squeamish, listen to it and get to know them better first.  Many of my “pick up” play partners and I have spent a few months or years getting to know via online and events before we play. Don’t feel a need to rush and if they are pressuring you to do something you are not comfortable with say NO and walk away.    

If you have certain kinks, like blood play, learn to know what your top should have in their kit and ask to see it before you play with them.  I have one person who was teaching a cutting class and I was the demo bottom and even though they went through the list of what they had and shared it with the class when it came time for me to get up there and be sliced open, I looked over their kit again to make sure everything I want my cutting tops to have was there and ready.  

I hope this facilitates you having hot kinky fun and if you have questions please reach out to me any ask.  I am always willing to field questions and try to give you answers.  


Boundaries, Respect and Disappointing a Master I love.

immage courtesy of http://favim.com/

image courtesy of www.favim.com


Yesterday, I did challenging thing. I told a Master I love and adore “no”. As a slave, this is a very difficult thing for me to do.

We had been texting and flirting all day. A part of me was really hoping he would propose that we connect last night and move into play. I very very much wanted to.

After the work day was done, he asked if I would be attending an event at a friend’s house. It was not a kink or play event but many kinky people would be there, including, in all likelihood, an abusive ex.

He is often at things and when I know there is a chance I’m likely to have to deal with him, I can prepare myself and cope. I am one of the few who are actually open about his abuse and who approached girls he’s getting involved with and let them know what my experience was and who else they may want to vet him through. He’s a smart abuser and tends to list respectable people in the community that he has dated as his form of vetting himself. Seldom do the girls dare to ask those named people. I didn’t when it was my turn; they were too intimidating. That was a big mistake for me to make. So I try to be proactive in letting others he preys on be aware so that they can decide if they wish to take the risk. RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) is big for me.

So jerkface (the abuser) was likely to be there. I had in the past 24 hours already been through a few very challenging interactions with other people, that had tested my abilities to remain authentic and vulnerable. Since I didn’t have enough advance notice of the event to be able to put my armor back on for dealing with jerkface, I knew that if I attended there was a huge chance that I might end up having to deal with flashbacks or in a corner sobbing. I don’t really think either of those is much fun when unintended.

The Master I had been chatting with when I told him I wasn’t going to go because jerkface was likely to be there told me “he was sad that my fear of jerkface controls me more than he does” he added a pout to the end of that and it was likely him just continuing to try and flirt and be playful.

It hurt to read that. Even knowing it was likely just a joking way of playing with the play-only-M/s dynamic we have, it hurt. So I explained my reasoning and told him if he was willing to be there for me if I did end up flashing it crying I would go but I recognized that that was far beyond our play-only relationship.

He replied that I was right he didn’t want to be responsible for that. I knew he didn’t which is why I declined in the first place. It was not due to fear of jerkface controlling me, it was due to me having self-control and self-respect. I made the decision based on what was healthy for me and within the boundaries of the relationship the Master has told me he wants with me. I was enforcing HIS boundaries for me, as well as protecting myself, and I even asked him if he did want to increase his responsibility for the night in being willing to catch me if I was not emotionally in a place where I could be strong enough to fight any past issues that came up if jerkface was there. He said no.

Yet it still stings me that he turned it into a “who controls xiaoyi thing”.

That is where we play and I love feeling his control over me within that realm. I am a slave and I have learned very hard how precious a gift a Master’s control is. And that includes for things as short as getting a drink or for as long a lifetime.

I know how this Master sees the decision is outside of my control and I’m very saddened that he chose to view it in the light he did. I also know that for me, his reality does not match mine. Even knowing I did the right and correct thing though, I feel strongly that sense of sorrow in disappointing a Master who I love and respect and who does sometimes grant me the gift of control.

Three Things we say are HARD that don’t need to be

When I was a child, nothing was hard.  Everything I tried to do, I did.  I worked at it, I played at it but I didn’t understand the concept that something was hard or that I couldn’t do it. Now that I am an adult, I commonly hear people say a certain activity, a certain lifestyle or a certain way of being is hard. I have commonly even said it myself.  I have realized the reason it is hard now but wasn’t back then, is because is challenges me to change my psychological and physiological patterns (mental and body patterns).

In psychology, when you do something over and over again in your mind, it is called grooving.  Your brain actually creates a wrinkle of that pattern.  Your brain gets so use to doing something that one way, that it will automatically default to that method and will always want to keep doing things the same way.  

For instance, if you are right handed as a writer and somebody asks you to write the letter “A” on the whiteboard, you will without thinking pick up the marker with your right hand and do so.  Your physiological habit is there as well.  Again without thinking, your body will write the letter ”A”.  This has become so ingrained in your body after years of practice that you don’t have to think of drawing two angled lines and one across the center to create the letter.  And your writing will likely be fairly legible, especially if you compare it to your left hand’s attempt at the same thing.  And odds are if you try to write “A” with your left hand, you have to think about it more.  This is because you have build the pattern both physically and mentally over the years on how to write with your dominate hand.  

While you are writing the letter with your left hand and trying to figure it out, you will likely think to yourself, “Wow! This is hard!” Because you left hand hasn’t had the practice of writing even though just a minute ago doing the same task right handed was easy.  It is only by comparison that it is difficult and it is only difficult because we are not use to it yet.

There are three things that I commonly hear people say are hard that I think don’t deserve that reputation.  The first I hear regularly, “Poly is Hard”.   Poly isn’t hard!  It may require skills and “muscles” that you haven’t practiced with much yet.  As you practice them, it becomes natural and easy. I’m poly myself and have been in a healthy poly relationship for over 14 years now.  We have had other partners come in and out of our lives throughout that time and it hasn’t been hard because we are use to doing the work involved.  We are use to being open and honest about our feelings and our thoughts, working with our partners to learn how to communicate with each other and we are use to sitting down and looking at ourselves when we feel twinges of jealousy, anger or even joy to tear into the WHY we are feeling it and finding the source in our core beliefs that is or isn’t working that is helping us feel that emotion.  

The second thing I hear often is “BDSM/Kink/Leather is Hard.” Again it’s the same thing here.  I have been in the leather community for around six years now.  And during this time I practiced my BDSM/kink, as well as learned to respect where the cultures of BDSM, Kink and Leather come from.

During this time, I have learned to embrace a part of my psyche and myself that I had to keep hidden previously.  A part I hadn’t embraced and wasn’t honest with myself about prior.  I now openly acknowledge that I am pansexual.  For years because of my upbringing and my “life training” said “No! You are not interested in women, in any way shape or form, you are not interested in asexaul people. You are only interested in men.”  Because for my entire life I had been trained to think I could only be interested in men, it did take time and practice and being in places with people who were openly gay or pansexual fit me to be able to recognize and embrace that I am pansexual. Was it hard?  I don’t think so. It was new and it was different. And it took practice for me to be able to say it openly but I wouldn’t say it was hard.  

Third is perhaps the biggest one I have heard in all the communities I am in.  It saddens me greatly and breaks my heart each time I hear it.  “Loving is hard.”  

There are many ways to love someone. And some of the best advice I have ever heard is that when someone is saying “I just don’t love them any more. Our relationship is ok but I just don’t;t love them.  What should I do?” is, “Love them.” The answer being to turn love from an emotion into a verb.  When you are looking for love, when you are looking to feel that emotion, there are certain grooves in your brain that are engaged.  Grooves that were created while you are feeling it. Groove you can activate. If at the beginning of a relationship when you are feeling all that love, every friday you buy a flower for the person and leave it on their pillow, in your brain, there is now a groove that associates a flower on Friday with the feeling of that emotion.  So you don’t feel like you love them anymore?  Are you buying a flower each Friday?

I actually buy flowers for my husband and surprise him with them.  If I travel without him, I always make sure to have one for him when I see him again. Flowers are not a gender specific gift!

So to feel that feeling again, since you have that grooving already in your brain, use it! Go back to those actions, buy that flower every Friday and by doing the actions of love, you again start to feel love.  

Things are only hard when we let them be. Use what you know and learn what you don’t until that “hard” thing becomes as easy as writing with your dominate hand is to you now. Keep practicing and teaching your mind and body to do what you want it to with ease. And groove on!


And for those things we do enjoy keeping hard, keep them hard 😉

Easy or Right

Years ago my grandmother use to tell me “what’s right isn’t easy and what is easy is seldom right.”  I took this to heart early on in life until I was diagnosed with fibro.  Then I spent all my energies on figuring out how to cope with and control the condition as much as possible.  I used up all my “not easy” effort in that and became a bit lazy about my life.  Even in my relationships with others I got sloppy and was ok not giving them my all.  I had a perfect excuse you see. My body would not let me keep going like I use to.  While it is true I now have to figure out how to use what energy I have, that was not an excuse to start doing relationships as easy.


Three years ago I realized I had been doing this and I starting changing things. Unfortunately it wasn’t always well received as I am not the only person who becomes comfortable in “easy” relationships.  As I began to seek deeper connections and deeper meanings which bring a great deal of joy to my life, my friends weren’t always up to it.  I lost several relationships I treasured during this explosive time of growth and I miss those people greatly.  My life was enriched by having them in it.  Now, three years later, I look at the people who are still in my life and the new ones that have come in and I realize I did do the right thing. I am now surrounded by people who care for me and I care for them in a deep almost not able to be understood manner.  And I love it.


So I am going to keep focusing on doing right instead of easy and keep keeping on.  
Down side of easy – depression and risk of self-harming

Up side of right connections and invites.  Better healthy even now.  Spoon allotment.  And if you’re aren’t familiar with the spoon theory, Google it. It can help you understand what is like for those of us who love with chronic pain conditions at least a little bit.

No more easy for me. I do what’s right.


Sacrifices.  People like to talk about the sacrifices of Master/slave relationships all the time.  The things they have sacrificed to be a Master or a slave.  They like to talk about what it is they have given up in choosing to walk this path.  Here is a list of a few of the things I have given up.  Let’s see how they compare with yours?


  • Inauthenticity – I no longer go around trying to pretend to be someone I am not


  • Stress over am I acceptable? – I am me as I am and that is good enough


  • Fear of being outed – not everyone can give this one up. I am blessed enough to be my own boss, not have children and having a partner who accepts that I am out so that perhaps one day others can be as well without the risk of losing so much of what they love.  


  • Over compensating – I no longer have to be uber control bitch externally because I desire and walk a surrendered path


  • Unhappiness – I no longer fight who and what I am and instead live in harmony with my own desires to serve and surrender and with my own soul


  • Bigotry – yes, because I can now be myself I have been able to stop hating others for being different as well.


  • Dependency – when I was still unsure I was really a slave I was dependant on others to tell me yes I was and that I was doing it right.  I don’t need that now.  


  • Consistency – I never have to know what will happen from day to day anymore


  • Impatience – ok I am still working on giving this one up
  • Time – it now takes as long as it takes for so many many things in my life. Those things that are worthwhile are seldom quick and those that are quick are seldom worthwhile.  So I go for quality over speed these days.  My surrender taught me that.


  • Terminology – I use to have a few words that meant exactly what  I knew they meant and that was that. I knew it all.  Now I have learned that every word has at least two meanings, a personal meaning for each person and a dictionary definition which might not overlap much at all,  and I must ask people to define what they mean if i am going to have a conversation with them.  

That is a few of the sacrifices I have made in my life to walk the path of a slave within consensual BSDM and PE communities.  When I look at my sacrifices, I feel very good about them. Some people choose to look at what they have given up and look at all the things they enjoyed they cannot do now. When looked at that way, much of the joy of authentic living can be lost. So when I look for what I’ve lost by living my life as a slave, I look for the things I don’t miss and the things that give me joy. Which do you look at?

Refusing to Deserve

Please try this experiment fit me: instead of deserving nice things, indulge in them. 

One of the challenges I have seen many face in this life is entitlement.  For slaves entitlement is “extremely unbecoming” because it is a sign of ego and often seen as a lack of will alignment.  For Masters and Dominates, it is often unattractive because it is seen as demanding respect instead of earning it.  For others it can simply be an unattractive trap.  

Deserving something means that somehow it has been earned.  Through actions or efforts the “reward” has been earned.  We teach this to our children rather early in life through grades in school and even through bribes of “clean your room and you will earn a cookie”.  

I do not think this is an inherently bad system. It can create a sense of entitlement though.  A sense of if I reach X goal I deserve Y reward.  

Often when dealing with the change from a scarcity model of existence to an abundance model, we see entitlement and deserve show up a lot.  I work 60+ hours a week, so I deserve a BMW.  I study harder than someone else so I deserve an A.    Unfortunately when you deserve something, a lot of the joy that can be found it in disappears.  Instead of feeling delight to get to try something, you simply feel justified in having it.  

I ate all my peas so I deserve a piece of cake.  Try it some time.  Then on a scale of one to ten document how much you enjoyed eating that piece of cake.  Then at a different time, decide to indulge in a piece of cake and document on the same 1-10 scale how much you enjoyed it.  If possible even use the exact same cake.  The results may surprise you.  

The words we use change our thoughts and our realities. If I deserve something, I take some of it for granted because I earned it.  It is my reward.  When I indulge in something.  I choose to truly experience it.  Just stop for a moment and write a list of the things you might choose to indulge in.  A hot bubble bath, a rich taste of coffee, smooth chocolate, silken sheets, the list can go on.  In our culture indulgences are treats, wonderful things to be savored, experienced and delighted in.  Even trying to make a list of indulgences gets our minds thinking differently.  

I have made a huge decision.  I no longer deserve anything.  This helps me with reducing the frustration if I do not get something, which also lowers my blood pressure and helps my health.  I am trying to no longer compete with others for rewards and instead focus on my values and dreams.  However, I do indulge in many things.  I indulge in a cup of coffee with a good friend, a delicious chocolate, a massage and even a tv show shared with someone.  All of these things I had or did before I decided to focus on indulging in things but I did not value them as much as I do now. Simply changing how I think about such things has changed how I experience them.  I also now indulge in the relationships i have which allows me to enjoy them more thoroughly and be grateful for them more deeply.

It is through a use of word changes and other psychological techniques that victim advocates and therapists help change “victims” into “survivors”  this, for me, have become the next step in going from surviving to thriving.  Now, I am learning how to become a “thrivor” and I am loving it.  What will you decide to indulge in and be grateful for rather than “deserve” and “have a right to”?  I now indulge in contact and control from a Master when one choose to give it.  As a slave I do not deserve a Masters control but now and then one will give me some.  Because it is an indulgence for me, it is always a treat.  Recently, I had one Master make a small simple request from me as a slave.  The joy and delight brought to me by being able to fulfill that request was huge for me because it was indulging in the Master’s control.  And I loved every minute of it.  It ended up in my gratitude log as well because I did enjoy it so much.  I am a slave but I do not deserve a Master controlling me or making requests/requirements of me.  I am a slave and I do indulge in a Master’s control when I am given the chance.  I suspect it could work for a Master as well.  I am a Master, I do not deserve surrender/submission from slaves/subs. I am a Master and I indulge in the surrender/submission of slaves/subs.  Please try it out and see what happens. I hope it will change your world for the better just as it has mine.  

What is communication and transparency?

What communication and transparency means to me.


All too often in the M/s community I hear “communication is the key to successful relationships” or “transparency is the key” I have seldom heard the follows up question for these statements though. “What does communication/transparency mean to you?”

So I’m order to try and get the ball rolling on going to give my thoughts on definitions of these two concepts without reaching for a dictionary.


Communication: the exchange on concepts and ideas with a goal of mutual understanding.

Notice I said mutual; that means both people or all people even are trying to both understand the others and be understood. This is how I define communication within a relationship. How to communicate is a different topic entirely that there are hundreds of books and classes on. I suggest you explore with your partner(s) to figure out which styles and communication tools work best for you when and that you agree to try and use them. By my definition communication cannot happen if someone is talking at another/others, but only if they are talking with the other(s). In my marriage we have been together long enough we have our own shorthand forms of communication we use that are streamlined versions of one’s we have tried in full length most of the time or shortened versions work but even after 14 years,sometimes we have to go back and review the full lengthy process. We even have to use a talking stick or feather as a tool to be able to achieve that mutual understanding at times. There are tons of communication tools, active listening, NVC, reflecting, writing, and even transparency. Learn what works for who you are communicating with and use it.


Transparency is harder for me to define. I know some things it is not. It is not an excuse to say mean things to hurt the other person/people involved. It is not an excuse to talk at someone. But what is it? I use to think it was sharing all your thoughts with another person but since my thoughts are often best demonstrated by Anderson Cooper’s schizophrenia exercise  ( https://youtu.be/yL9UJVtgPZY ) that doesn’t really work for me either.


Maybe transparency just means being as honest with your partner(s) as you are with yourself. I think you have to be careful though to keep it about you and not about other people, especially other people in a polycue. There has to be a certain level of trust that personal details shared with a partner in transparency or in any relationship won’t be taken to the other people involved before you can tell them yourself. I guess in poly transparency is honesty and trust combined. That might be why it’s so hard to do and why it can be even harder in poly groups. Trusting one person with yourself is hard enough. Having to trust even more than one at the same time can be insane especially early into a relationship where there isn’t a history of trust built yet.