Three types of love

 

Recently I have been exploring the concept of “love”.  It is a small four letter word but it can have many, many meanings.  The Greeks and Romans had multiple words that we all lump together in the word “love”.  Yet we seldom ask, “What do you mean by “I love you” when you say it?”  And the few times I have asked the person I am seeking clarification from, they often get offended.  This is not going to be another writing comparing the types of love as the ancient cultures understood them or even as modern cultures try to.  This is going to be a writing about the three steps of love that I have found in my own life and how they apply in my relationships  

I have discovered three steps of love exist in my life.  One of them is a completely involuntary reflex; the other two I have control over.  Here are the three steps of love I have found:

Love the emotion

Love the decision

Love the action

 

Love the emotion is easy, easy to do, easy to feel easy to explain.  It’s a warm fuzzy somewhere in the abdominal cavity. It creates a glow and a joy. Love the feeling can be for anything or anyone.  It can be love of a person, moment, flower or even a pizza.  I suspect everyone has felt love of this sort at some point in their lives.  I feel it multiple times a day.  

Love the decision takes time. At least for me it takes time.  It is an intentional, deliberate, mindful decision on my part.  It’s my commitment to learn to see an imperfect person or thing perfectly and to accept them and their perfections and flaws as a whole.  It is a promise to try to see that person always in the way a loving creator does. It’s a commitment to the third kind of love. This is where I will commit say “loving you” rather than “love you”

Love the action is an ongoing never ending thing. It is here where love languages are used and learned. Here’s where acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, time and every other thing that is done in the name of love with the hope of making the other person as happy as possibly comes from. It is an exploration of the person or thing that is loved in an effort to always find the beauty and best of them.  It’s sharing, exploring, creating, adoring and time consuming.  It is actively giving of yourself for them.  It can take on very different appearances as you learn how the other person/thing can receive and feel your love and also as they learn how take it and how you give it.  

Here is something else I have learned about love the action.  I’ve learned if after I make the decision, if I am prevented from taking the actions of love, I start to lose the feeling of love.  I feel instead the pain of not being permitted to act out of love and I have to deal with and accept that pain. The pain of deciding to love someone and of deciding to try and find ways to show them I do love them and being told “no you can’t love me that way”.

Love is unconditional. Relationships are not. The emotion of love is unconditional. The action of love can be but isn’t always. The decision of love is personal. And the decision can be revoked. As painful as it is to admit that, I can revoke the decision to love and choose not to take the actions of love.

Will the feeling of love remain? Yes. For me it always does. But it ends up paired with a hurt and agony of knowing I had to choose to stop loving them with the action and choice. Choosing not to love causes great pain to me after deciding I would love. I don’t revoke that decision easily or gladly. So far in my life there has only been twice I have revoked my decision to love someone.

There have been those who decided to reject my actions of love before and thus unmake my choice for me yet I still choose to love then even though I also choose in my love of them to respect their limits on how I show such love.

When entering the realms of relationships, consensual relationships, we can feel the emotion of love without any concern.  We can also choose to make the decision to love.  What we cannot do is force someone to accept the actions of love.  

With my husband, we have 14 years to practice how we give the acts of love to each other.  I cook for him; he gives me head scritches.  He lights a candle for me at night so I don’t have to sleep in the dark (yes, I am afraid of the dark).  I make sure there is a breakfast ready for him to take to work.  Regularly if we are facing a challenge in our relationship, it boils down to one or both of us not understanding or wanting the actions of love the other is giving.  So we talk and figure out how to give and receive love in ways that work for both of us.  Even managing our finances has become an act of love that we give the other.  

We decided to love each other years ago and we are still learning how to do that well.  It is fun and crazy yet our commitment to love each other stays, even if the emotion of love fades for a while due to the other stresses of life.

With my Master of Origin, I still do love him in all three ways though because the nature and form of our relationship has changed, the actions with which I express my love of him have changed drastically.  We have discussed what is and it not acceptable actions on both of our parts towards the other and we now have a very warm and loving friendship which we both treasure and we often share our joys and triumphs of our lives with each other.  

With my old Lover Turned Owner for a few months, the feeling was very intense when we met and compounded exponentially with lust as well.  For eight months I was able to enjoy all three steps of love with him as well.  When that ended, I was not permitted to take any of the actions of love with him.  I still choose to love him and in my choice I respect his decision and the only actions of love I take are to respect that.  Because of my inability to act upon my love for him in any way that has meaning and is fulfilling for me, the feeling of love is no longer there and in the past two plus years the decision has dated as well.  The feelings I have when I think of him are melancholy, sadness and loss.  We had so much and I believe we could have had even more if he had chosen to continue our relationship, in any form, yet he didn’t.  

I hope you enjoyed my “brief” exploration into the steps of love as I have discovered them and how they can play into relationship, including PE relationships.  If you ever have any questions about consensual slavery, poly or PE relationships, please reach out to me and I will try to help you find answers.  

~xiaoyi

slaveheart bootblack

 Dedicated Service and Excellence Always

My choice, my surrender and the King

One of the ways I get to be me and allow myself the fewest filters around who I am in public is to have a few strong committed relationships.  Ones that I know no matter what I do and how I screw up, those relationships will not be at risk.  

There is a quote, I think Jim Rohn is the one who said it, “Commitment is holding to what you said you would do long after the emotion of when you said it has passed.” 

That’s what I mean by committed relationships.  That there may be serious consequences or punishments at times and sometimes deep work needing to be done if those relationships are hurt or damaged in any way, but the relationship is not at risk. Ever.  Unless there is a lot of warning and discussion and attempts to fix them first and everyone involved knows they are at risk.  I think this style of relationship gives everyone involved in them more strength and courage to be themselves, even when it is not a power or authority exchange relationship.  

For me, surrender is a commitment. It is a commitment to my Owner.  I’m decent at commitment as my marriage shows.  The husband and I have been together 14+ years and still going and growing.

Recently I took some classes with Master Obsidian and slave namaste.  In their classes, they said something that I found resonates very well.  “The King is the King.  If the King is wrong, He is still the King!”  It was a conflict resolution class for Master/slave relationships.  Conflicts get resolved a bit differently in M/s.  The slave can provide input if the Master/King desires it but in the end, the King is the King.  As the slave, I always get the last word in any dispute, “Yes Sir,” and this is a comfort to me and how I thrive in my Master/slave relationships.  Living in this manner thrills me and fulfills me as no other relationship I have ever been in has.  I obey and serve my King.  

Once the King makes their decision, the slave acknowledges and begins not only to obey but to also want what the Master wants as well. This is called will-alignment.  As it happens, resentful obedience can become joyful obedience and resistance melts away.  It is a beautiful feeling and a glorious thing to participate in.

It has been a little over a month now and still now, I am trying to get to the point of will-alignment with my King. The Master wants nothing more than friendship with me.  He has made His decision, the King is the King, it has been made, it has been publicized and that’s where I am at.  Trying to conform my will unto His.  I am still at the resentful rather than joyful stage on obeying this.  

Some people will say this isn’t healthy.  To them, I say Bullshit! Just because this is not right for you, does not mean that this is not right for me.  “Your Thing is Not My Thing but your Thing is OK” and “Do What you will Harm None” apply here.  This is what’s right for me and how I chose to live authentically.

The King did what He thinks is best for He and His.  And I yes, I was a part of His.  And I chose to believe that He took my well-being into account when He made His decision.  And I do choose to trust that he did.  He is that kind of man.  It is why I gave him my surrender.

I had recently learned that the commitment was solid.  That nothing I did would result in the end of us without the ability to appeal it.  Which is the free-est place this slave can be. When they know that their Master or their Owner is committed to them.  I had His word, as He had promised me this.  It gives me the strength to do things far beyond my normal capabilities because I knew the Sir will always be there.  To help me recover, if needed and to help guide and correct me if I make mistakes.

For me, that included pushing physical and psychological boundaries for the sake of obedience. And I chose to obey and make something successful for Him even though it pushed me into breaking points.  I did this in part, I knew the end was in sight, two weeks; I knew there would be a celebration, Thunder in the Mountains a week later; and I knew we weren’t at risk.  He would be there to help put me back together if needed.

I had no reason to trust that we weren’t at risk, other than to my knowledge The Sir had never lied to me.  

I chose to trust Him.  

We have always been honest with each other.  And I honestly believe that He broke His word, now. And it sucks because now I have to try and put myself back together without that solid, trusted relationship.

Yet, I still choose to believe in Him and to trust Him.  He is still my King.

I surrendered to Him.  Deeper than I have been able to surrender to anyone else.  To me, that means I have to try to come into alignment on this with Him too.  That means I have to get to the point where I want to be “just friends” too.  I ain’t there yet.  On the plus side, my surrender requires nothing from Him now.  I just keep trying to get to the point where I desire to be just friends, like He does.  The King is still the King.  

This is what is right for me.  I’m still surrendered to Him.  I may always be surrendered to him.  I don’t know.  But in my surrender, I promised obedience and that I would strive to align my will to His, in all things.  This is a process.  Currently, it is not a pleasant process in any way.  But I gave Him my promise and my surrender. It is right for me, to hold to that promise. 

It will take time.  I still truly and deeply believe that my King made the wisest decision He could.  Given all the data He had available, for the well-being of Himself and His kingdom, including me.  I do not agree with some of the conclusions He has drawn, but I do not need to agree with them.  I need to simply obey and work towards alignment.

I need to continue to be myself, live my values to the best of my abilities and to “Do the next right thing.”   I have always been and will continue to be, a work in progress.  Someone who allows different facets of themselves to show up in different situations.  This isn’t unusual.  Most of us do it.  There is a slightly different facet of ourselves we put in the fore when we are at work, another one when we are at the club.  For example the “cocksucking, pussy eating, fuckmeat” facet of me is not the one I tend to bring to the fore when I am working at a housekeeping client’s.  I tend to bring to the fore the detail oriented, slightly obsessive, focused individual with a very professional  demeanor.  I leave the cocksucking, pussyeating whore for the club or private events and engagements where that is more appropriate and welcome.  And until about a month ago, for Him.

I recognise all the facets of myself, even if I don’t always let all of them be seen by everyone.  One of the most vulnerable and seldom seen aspects of myself is my lil.  Yes I do have one.  And she is very shy and I protect her fiercely.  Which means 98-99 percent of people will never meet my little.  Other littles often recognise that I have a little; some bigs do too.  But to the general crowds in most places, that facet is not one that is in the fore.

I gave my surrender.  I gave it at a time when it was easy.  It was given when the emotions were beautiful and strong.  I have two choices now.  I can choose to honor my commitment.  To honor my promise as a slave and as a woman and as a leather woman, to put His desires above mine.  To learn to align myself with His will.  Or I can renege on that promise, be a liar and an oathbreaker and do my damnedest to change His mind. That means there is no choice for me.    

I gave my oath to support my King.  I didn’t give my oath to support my King only when I thought He was right.  I gave my oath to support my King.  He is my King. I gave my oath to that.  So I am struggling to align my will with His and to want nothing more than friendship from the man who is my King.  

It’s not easy.  It’s especially not easy now that I understand what His concerns are.  I was finally able to understand what was His primary concern regarding all of this and why He released me.  All I can do regarding that is continue being me.  And if He chooses to watch and look, He will see.  And if he chooses not to or to look for problems with me, He is still the King.  And I work to align my will to His because He is my King.  When I succeed, He will no longer be my king and that thought breaks my heart.  

But whether it breaks my heart or not, I don’t have another choice because of who and what I am.  That’s me.  That’s me, being true to who and what I am.  I am His surrendered slave.  And if being His surrendered slave means learning how to be just friends, and when I am just friends I will stop being His surrendered slave, so be it.  This is my truth.  This is where I am at.  

And I am terrified of putting this out there.  I am terrified that people will judge Him and judge me.  I am terrified that they will tell me what I am doing isn’t healthy.  Even though I know that for me, it is.  And for those of you who are worried: yes I do have a therapist, yes she knows about this, and yes she agrees with and supports my thoughts on this.  So do some of the other elders in my community that I have talked to and sought wisdom from.  

If you want to take sides, please see the civil war post.  There are not bad guys here.  Do not try and villainize my King!

This is my truth. This is my reality.  As always, my place of strength is in my surrender and my community.  My community recharges me and by reaching out to me and sharing their stories with me and allowing me to share mine with them, they anchor me.  I am strong, I am connected and I know that I am loved.  It’s not the same as the committed relationships I mentioned before at the beginning of this.  No, it is not the same but it does give me strength.  A different strength but strength.

This is who and what I am and where I am.  I am a slave who is surrendered but unowned.  I serve a King who has not taken me as His vassal.  Which is His right.  And I choose to keep trusting that King and His decisions and maintaining my surrender.  As I strive to figure out how to be just friends with The Sir who sits upon a throne.  

Civil War and the Lessons it Offers Us

I don’t watch a lot of TV or movies so I am often behind the times.  Which is probably why I am watching Avengers Civil War and thinking deep thoughts now.  It is a movie where there are two hero groups each doing what they think is best.

Each respecting each other. And neither acting in any way untrue to their values.  And in the end, both still in conflict with each other and none of us (or them) knowing when or how they might reconnect, on the same side or on opposites sides.  Yet we,in the audience, still hope it will be on the same side or and we don’t pick sides either.  

I know most of the people I know in our community are heros, each in their own ways.  Sometimes good people end up on different sides of conflict, even while they each live their values.  While it might make good drama on the screen, it is very painful in life.  Some of these differences end up being the end or change of relationships.  I will not try to say I am a hero in anyway.  But my partners always are, at least to me.  

Please, use the same wisdom we all did in watching this movie and don’t pick sides.  There are no sides here.  Only people all living their values to the best of their abilities.  What the future holds, we do not know.  That script has not yet been written.  

Hurting and loving

The stress of the past three weeks is certainly beginning to show in my body. Pain levels have been up. Depression has gotten worse. And other recurring health concerns have shown up.
I’m certainly feeling “wounded animal” syndrome. This is where an animal will curl it’s body up around the hurting part and discourage anyone or anything from coming near it. For an extrovert, this is not healthy.
TGIP(thank goodness for pups) while the two pups I have the privilege of handling aren’t the only ones who have reached out during this time, they have been very consistent in reaching out and in sharing their stuff with me as well. None of us are having an easy time of life right not but we are all there for each other even when we are all in pain.
That’s what relationships, even friendships, mean to me. I’ll give you 100% of what I have in the moment and you do the same. That 100% might not always look the same because I might not be at the top of my game but in life and in relationships, I always strive for 100% because who knows when things might end and when they do, I want to know that I always gave my best to those relationships and to my actions.
Some people have been worried about the fact that I seem to be “burning out”. They have noticed my 100% isn’t what it used to be. Please don’t worry about that. Life cycles and right now, yes I’m in a very painful place, both physically and emotionally and I’m not sure when I’ll get past it. But please, keep reaching out and inviting me to do all the things, because that’s how I recharge and heal.
Thank you all, especially pup Frisco and pup Ari for continuing to be here for me and continuing to reach out.
I will be at Bootblack Round Up and GLLA in the coming months as well as haunting Voodoo Leatherworks and Trade. This weekend I’ll be at the Colorado CAL classes taught by Master Obsidian and slave namaste, back alley and possibly MAsT Metro Denver. I hope to see many of you there.
Please come up and say hi, even if I seem withdrawn. Yes, I’m hurting. Yes, I’ve got wounded animal syndrome going. And yes, I need contact even if I’m not initiating it. Love to you all!
-xiaoyi

Updating my values part 1

It was five years ago I last sat down and formally reviewed and created the list of my values. And while I’ve looked them over many times since then, I have not seriously reevaluates them or explored then since. Even though I have grown and changed much in those 5 years.

 

In a class at Thunder this year, I was challenged to think more about my values then I have in a long time. The timing on this is perfect since I had only gone back to reminding myself of my values daily, for a couple of weeks at this point.

 

While sitting in that class I realized that for me, the values I had come to 5 years ago weren’t the values of my surrender. Or at least not all of them are. Some are personality traits of a happy xiaoyi more than values/virtues. Playfulness and vivacity being two of these. The value behind these is passion.

 

I choose to live passionately which is not the same as playful, vivacious or happy. Though those three things can accompany it. So can sadness. Or fear. Or pain. And that’s ok. So today I’m updating my list and removing those two while a adding passion.

 

Other updates I’m certain will come too as I continue rebuilding xiaoyi. I let myself break. Sometimes we each do that for our own reasons. I had mine and if I could do it again, I probably would. Stretching ourselves is what makes us grow. When we are comfortable, changes don’t happen. It is in the painful parts of life that we grow into the beautiful creatures we each are.

I’ve made mistakes. And as always I try to learn and grow from them. Some mistakes I repeat. Those lessons I still haven’t mastered yet. For today, updating my values list to reflect the knowledge that I live passionately, rather than playfully or vivaciously is the growth step I’m taking.

A scorge for healing and the pain of several months

I haven’t shared much lately in what’s been going on with me. It’s been a very difficult year emotionally for me. I was not prepared for my post step-down drop. I figured with the imsl prep I wouldn’t have much. I was wrong.

Imsl itself was a huge investment of time, spirit, heart, energy and soul. And upon my return I didn’t force myself to go to the aftercare I had planned for myself and get myself to instantly return to my community and feel their love for me. I didn’t feel like I deserved their love since I hadn’t won for them. They disagree but it was what I was

feeling along with a bunch of other old baggage.

I also forgot to call and schedule my therapy appointment upon my return. At the appointment before imsl I decide to wait until after the contrast so that if I won, I’d have a better understanding of my availability and wouldn’t have to inconvenience her by rescheduling. In the future, I will risk changing her schedule.

When the depression hits it can be hard to remember my tools and team. My friends are my strength quite literally as I am an extrovert and recharged by who I spend my time with. I pulled away from people yet kept taking on the workload I can handle when I’m healthy and feeling 100%. I cannot do as much when I’m not 100% but I wanted to. I felt like I had to to prove that even though I didn’t win, I still had some form of personal worth. The old demons told me I didn’t.

Like any wounded animal, I pulled in hard. I didn’t socialize or reach out even when people would tell me,”if I can do anything, please let me know”. I wanted to reach out but the voices of the part kept telling me I didn’t deserve those people and I struggled and worked even harder to try and be worthy of the people I wanted to go back to and be with.

During this time my PCP suggested a new medication to try and help reduce my fibro pain which was going through the roof and reducing my functionality even more. Depression gets worse when you physically can’t get it of bed most of the day and can’t think even when on the heavy pain meds because of how much you hurt. The meds he had me on basically threw my entire emotional state back into puberty. Flashes of complete irrationally, anger, sadness, bordering on mania at times and I started getting things done but sporadically and I was a hot mess.

About a month ago I realised how bad it had gotten for me, looked at my list of tools and called my therapist. She removed me from that medication, have me some exercises and I started the long road to healing again.

You see since late February/early March I have been so caught up in my past and the pain it was causing me that I lost sight of my goals and ceased most of the activities that helped keep me balanced. I felt I wasn’t good enough to deserve them and the demons from my past encouraged this outlook. I was not living my values of playfulness and vivacity nor of synergy and passion.

When I realised this, I started looking back to see when I got off course. When had I begin this drift and what was I doing back then that I hadn’t been doing since and this is where I found that I had left my values, ignored my personal mission statement, and had repeatedly not reached it to the community, my community that is my support and heart and feeds my soul. I had been starting myself to death while there was a full banquet laid out in front of me and I simply was to blind by my own pain to see it.

During this time, I pulled heavily on my husband and The Sir and the pups that came into my life. I used them as any drowning person would a life preserver. Clinging and hurting begging them to help me. But I wasn’t really about to communicate my needs. These past two and a half weeks, I’ve started redoing those actions that I was doing before. I’m reading my values and affirmations daily. I’m reciting my mission statement and even if I don’t feel worthy of it, I’m grateful to the friends who have reached out and offered me love and support and I’m trying very hard not to reject it like I have been but instead to be grateful for it.

As I’ve done this and taken stock of where I’m at, I’ve realised how far off course I’ve gotten. It’s frightening how far I’ve drifted away from my computer and the demons tried to use that fear to drag me even further away.

For the past two weeks I used The Sir’s strength to motivate me to get out of bed even because of how loud the voices were and I used his “do the next right thing” to force myself through those old actions that use to bring me joy. For those two weeks I pulled on the strength that comes from being surrendered to the will of another. It was painful and I had been given an almost impossible talk to complete by The Sir during that time as well. But I kept pushing through. I knew he wanted me to and he wouldn’t have ordered me to do that task if he didn’t have faith in me that I could do it. I didn’t do it very gracefully but I was the venue liaison for Voodoo Leatherworks to RMD and as ordered, I made sure the things from Voodoo’s side happened and the club looked good. Well possibly minus my very stressed out energies.

Saturday night the event was finished and I felt the relief wash over me. The Sir told me I did a good job even and that glow along with the repeated activities I had been forcing myself through for self-care, through the strength being sundered to him gives me began to melt the seal around the hurt and pain the preceding months had installed.

That night he gave me one of the sweetest gifts a Master can give a slave in pain. He granted me catharsis. I don’t often cry much in scenes, though I love it when I do. This time, by the third hit of the flogger, I was crying. He played hard and deep. I let the tears flow finally. All the pain from those long months. All the pain from my past that left me unable to accept love from others went streaming down my face. I screamed. I screamed my rage at the abuse that feed those demons for so much of my life. I screamed my rage at not being able to pull myself out of it and “snap out of it” them I began crying my pain at not realizing that I needed to slow down myself and for not realizing how far off course if gotten. He tried to end it then but I begged him “please don’t stop Sir” and he listened. I think he even ampted it up higher and I screamed I screamed rage and pain and hurt and cried tears now of joy. Finally I was getting the release I needed. Finally my request for help and for catharsis was being granted and he had listened to my request and chosen to Grant it instead of asking me to wait and be patient. This time when he came up and ordered me to my knees, I didn’t ask for more. The tears were still flowing. Cleansing tears now. Some tears even if forgiveness but mostly tears of gratitude and he let me cry. Nestled up against his leather clad legs, he let me cry. Petting my head, he let me cry. And for the first time in months, I didn’t feel worthless. For the first time in months when he told me “all is well” I didn’t have to choose to trust in him to believe it. I could truly believe that all indeed was well and that we would get through this. My course would be corrected and I could find ways to reconnect with my strength in my communities and I could once again become whole instead of broken.

Some of that hurt I gave him on that cross that night was over 30 years old and had been festering that long. Slowly poisoning me. I had been trying to remove it myself. Trying to lance the wound and let it heal but I hadn’t been able to. He not only lanced it but washed it clean in my tears and his gift to me of that pain and process. He broke through that wall of self loathing and my screams of rage think the demons back down to size and the skunk back towards their caves. There, ever present but knowing they could no longer interfere with my surrender and my life. For my life is about surrender, both to the higher power and to my owner. That is why for the two weeks prior, I used the strength of knowing what he would want in doing the next right thing to find my values again. To get out of bed each day. To restart the rituals of self-care that help make me me. Because the strength of surrender. The strength that comes from that is stronger than any of the demons I face.

I’ve been released but my surrender is still there. And I’m still using it to help heal myself cleaning after that wonderful gift he gave me last Saturday. I will not squander the gifts granted of control, of healing and of strength.

And I’m reevaluating what I can do right now knowing I’m not currently at that 100% I’d like to be at. I’m focusing back on my priorities and my values. I’m opening my heart back up and accepting the love and support that all of you have been offering me this entire time and I ran away from. It’s going to be a process. It’s not going to be simple or easy. And I ask for your patience with me as I do find my way back. And please if you see me not walking my talk, ask me about it. All me if I’m being true to me. I’m I being true to xiaoyi. Because you all are my strength and my support. And I need you and your love as well as those of my very close circle that I shrunk into.

Sincerely,

xiaoyi the slaveheartbootblack

Dedicated Service and Excellence Always

I’m not PC and neither is my Leather

I am very curious when the leather community became so obsessed with being PC. Aren’t our roots in being sexual rebels. In extreme authenticity of the self, regardless of what is acceptable by society? Especially our sexual selves.

Perhaps I have bought too much into a “romanticized” view of the mythical “old guard” era. Maybe my leather ancestors calmly sat drinking tea, engaging in polite discussion about how others had privilege and they didn’t, so could you please see to that? Or maybe they drank piss and vinegar chanting “We’re here. We’re queer. We aren’t going anywhere.” in riots, in jail, in the streets, in protests, and in people’s faces.

Maybe they fucked rough and kinky without giving any trigger warnings first and expected people who were offended by their “play” to fuck off or look away.

Maybe they went as soft as some of the new leather folks, some of the ones who found leather when I did and since. Maybe they knew that simply by living and existing triggers happen. Things that make people uncomfortable happen. And maybe they even knew their existence made this happen for people.

News flash folks, even as kink and gay become more mainstream and “acceptable”, some of us are still in that group where our mere existence offends others.

And some of us don’t give a damn about being PC. Some of us are still willing to be rebels not in the cute 1950’s stud or in the Grease way but by being true to ourselves and saying fuck you to those who are offended by our views, how we Express them and where we Express them.

Some of us are willing to be confrontational even when it means not being invited to certain conferences or events. Some of us are still willing to “play” without warning those around that we might trigger them. Though I do warn DMs, if I’m going to be doing rough body play or heavy CNC my way, so they don’t get in my way. That’s a courtesy to them since they are often volunteers and DM’s can’t always walk away if they get triggered.

You see, I do have PTSD and the paperwork from my shrink to prove it. I have the years of therapy and training on how to deal with being triggered and with having flashbacks hit. And that’s the deal folks, being triggered is your shit to deal with. It’s your job to learn how to walk away and leave and how to control yourself and uncomfortable feelings that come up when you say you are triggered. I’m not the only person with full documented PTSD in the scene and almost every single one of us have learned how to deal with it and manage it for ourselves rather than whine that we are being triggered. Heck, in my case if I smell a certain cologne, I will start having flashbacks to an acute trauma. One that comes with full on body shakes. And this isn’t something that might happen only when I’m in a dungeon or reading articles, it can happen when I’m grocery shopping. And it has. And I couldn’t fuss about “it’s not fair. That guy was wearing a scent I don’t like here. He needs to warn people he wears that”. No! I had to find a way to remove myself from the trigger and then to recenter myself in this reality and not in the flashback all while shaking uncontrollably in the grocery store.

Is it”fair”?  Hell no! Life isn’t fair. Every single time I walk out my door or open a browser window or do anything that might be considered living, I risk having flashbacks happen or having my PTSD triggered.  Now I have two options. Stay at home in my completely controlled environment, until they kick me out because I didn’t make money to pay rent, or to accept life has risks and that being triggered or triggering are part of those risks.

I chose the second. I chose to risk being triggered and to learn the skills I need to deal with it when I do get triggered. I chose to risk triggering others because of what I am and how I live.

I believe in Risk Aware Consensual Life. Which means by being alive, I consent to all the risks. The risks of being killed, hurt, triggered, upset. The risks of being loved, cherished, healed, joyful. Because people, the world doesn’t care if you are triggered or not. It doesn’t care if you are offended. If you are offended, that’s your stuff to work on. According to one wise person, if you aren’t offended, you aren’t really paying attention.  And if you are in the Leather scene and you expect me to be PC, you will likely be offended. And I’m ok with that. If you aren’t, that is your problem. I’m leather and I’m a sexual rebel. I’m not meant to be PC. I’m meant to be me.

Thank you.

A Rant on Being Self-Owned : Sometimes It’s Not Pretty

I don’t always feel this way but sometimes I do. Below is a rant from one day when being self-owned was really draining and hard for me. I suspect every unowned slaveheart has felt something similar at times. While I am very happy with my life over all, there are sometimes I need to rant. This was one of them:

I hate being selfowned and not having that additional strength of Master and knowing I’m doing what they desires really can make a difference in getting things done. Be it self care or motivation.

I miss that level of acceptance and trust. The hubby and I don’t have it because we aren’t power exchange. And if we were, odds are I’d be the top so to speak because I want more and am willing to take more risks to get it than he is. We have many shared wants but I’m willing to push and do scary things much faster than he is. Between that and either owning my own business or always doing high stress high decision jobs, maybe that’s why I need to surrender so much and so deeply.

Maybe someday I’ll find a Master who is willing and able to own me and has the time to make the sacrifices needed to take care of me and understand me and who will permit me to actually learn them and love them and care for them as well.

Devoting myself and my resources to someone else and having them to help me, honestly to decide for me when I’m hurting and such if I should push through or not would be so helpful to me. Because either way then I’m not second guessing my decision all day long. Because then I have the added standby and comfort that I’m doing what Master wants and if I end up broken they will help fix me. Right now if I decide wrong, no one will help fix me. The hubby might make suggestions but he won’t actually draw me a bath and put me in it  unless I remember to ask or make me eat or rub me down where I hurt. Master Koi would do all those things for me if I needed them. But now I’m the one in charge of me. Solely. And I don’t always have the energy for that level of self care.

I hate being self owned. I hate not having that back up of spoons from my Master that I can draw upon to obey. Because doing something for Master does give me extra spoons. Not a ton but enough that I can usually get it done. And if I’m told to self care, it reduces my guilt at not doing whatever it was I had to cancel so I was less likely to beat myself up. I hate being self owned.

Negotiations a Starting Point

I have been asked how to negotiate scenes and what I do to have the fun scenes I have.  Well I often have these with me at conferences.  And I don’t always use them but I figured I would share the xiaoyi-Scene Negotiation Starting Point List.

I have also gone through and added comments on it in Italics.  Usually, I start my negotiations simply with flirting and not being afraid to say “oh that sounds hot! Tell me more” and some of my best scenes we have touched on the points in this document yet I never pulled it out and made sure we hit each point.  Over the years, I have learned what to share and know where my limits are in scenes and have confidence in both calling red and yellow as well as making sure I play in spaces that my safewords, if used will be respected.  

I also tend to play harder at events like conferences than I do other places, except my home,  because at conferences I don’t have to drive anywhere after play so if I want to stay all floaty and not recenter and come to ground, I can.  I am not willing to risk others lives by driving while energy drunk from a great intense scene.  

xiaoyi’s – Scene Negotiations Starting point:

I flag orange and leather worship. This is seldom stated as I wear my hankies most of the time.  I self-identify as a protocol slaveheart and bootblack.

I love intense sensations pleasure and pain. My partners all seem to agree that I am a HEAVY masochist.

I prefer to give in the scene feedback but can and have used safewords and have no problem using the yellow/red system if that is preferred.  I tend to prefer words or feline noises myself. (a growl and a purr are both very good sounds meaning I am liking what you are doing.  I have no problems crying in a scene and do not think my tears are a reason to stop.  And if I call you “sadist” in scene, that is a big compliment on your skills. Having this knowledge of how I tend to respond is really useful to share.  I don’t do the “no, no, no” thing so had to find other ways of giving feedback and cat sounds started coming naturally and are pretty easy to understand IF your partner knows to expect them.  

  •         Words to avoid:  Worthless (this is big trigger words for me)
  •         Words I love: girl, slave, “will you take my pain?”, good girl
  •         No bio-penis penetration below my waist.  Manual manipulation is acceptable and preapproved toys or toys from my aftercare bag are acceptable.
  •         My bottoms of my feet and between my toes are off limits.
  •         I prefer warm over cold as cold will often reduce scene length (due to fibro cold is much more intense).
  •         There are two point in that “sweet spot” of the thigh and butt meeting that are fibro trigger points and create body-wide waves of pain that do reduce how long I can play)
  •         My last STD panel was run in Aug 2016 and I have a high risk strain of HVP.  All other tests results are clear. This gets updated every six month or so as I get tested.  It is best to be upfront about this and it can be really hot honestly.  After all a partner who respects you enough to share with you what risks they know you are taking is a partner who cares about you.  
  •         Marks are fine.  No permanent body modification at this time and I would like to avoid broken bones :>
  •         I do enjoy knives, single tails, bondage, pressure points, predicaments, biting, face slapping, canes, and so much more.
  •         Fire tends to make me giggle

You might have noticed that I mixed in what I like and what my limits are in the same list.  This is intentional on my part because it isn’t just a list of No’s this way but also covers some alternatives and suggestions to make sure that my partners stay engaged in the fun =, sexy hotness of what we are negotiating as well as being aware of my limits with them.  And for some partners, not all limits apply.

I have gone non-verbal before with intense scenes and well known and trusted partners.  If this happens I will hold up 7 fingers to let you know. I can still respond to yes or no questions but I respond much slower; please only ask one question at a time.

It turns out that tops really don’t like it if you suddenly go non-verbal to them and they don;t know you can do so.  It freaks them out a bit.  So after the first time this happened and I learned I COULD end up non-verbal, I warn all partners just in case.  

I see pain as a gift that some amazing people are able to bring and share with folks like me.  I will ask you about what sort of aftercare you need as a top. My drop is usually 3-4 days after a scene.  I do carry my own after care kit with blanket, chocolate and aftercare socks.  I often like being able to help clean up if I am coherent enough to do so.

Finding out what kind of aftercare your partner needs as a top or as a bottom is important.  For me I can be quite happy kneeling in a corner alone, facing a wall for my aftercare at times.  If my partner is expecting cuddles or needs cuddles, I need to know that as the bottom so that we don’t end the scene and I go to meditate while facing the wall and they need snuggles.  Or the reverse. I also sometimes schedule my aftercare with others because I might need a really intense cathartic beating yet the skilled person I trust to beat me through that place might not be someone I trust with the very vulnerable place I know such scenes place me in. In those cases, I will have someone I do trust on standby for my aftercare.  Or if the top is doing tastings and needs to get to the next person, aftercare can be done by others not involved in the tasting.  When I was attached to a big rope top, he would do 10-20 suspensions in a night and could not do the aftercare for each as he had a line.  However after the night was over, HE needed aftercare.  Know what you need and what you can and can’t or won’t do and negotiate that too.   

Please make sure I get returned to room # _____ if I cannot remember where I belong.  Thank you!!! Yes I list my room number here because I have gotten floaty enough that I needed a designated walker to help get me to my room and get the door open with the key.  I don’t play with people I don’t trust to take me to my room and tuck me in without violating any agreements we have made. I just don’t.  I recommend you don’t either.  

I hope that this list and it’s comments help you in your play and negotiations.  I don’t usually teach how I negotiate in any way but since I have been asked about it I decided I would share this.  Remember listen to your gut when deciding who to  play with.  Just because someone is a presenter or sexy as hell does not mean they are the right person for you to play with.  If your guts is squeamish, listen to it and get to know them better first.  Many of my “pick up” play partners and I have spent a few months or years getting to know via online and events before we play. Don’t feel a need to rush and if they are pressuring you to do something you are not comfortable with say NO and walk away.    

If you have certain kinks, like blood play, learn to know what your top should have in their kit and ask to see it before you play with them.  I have one person who was teaching a cutting class and I was the demo bottom and even though they went through the list of what they had and shared it with the class when it came time for me to get up there and be sliced open, I looked over their kit again to make sure everything I want my cutting tops to have was there and ready.  

I hope this facilitates you having hot kinky fun and if you have questions please reach out to me any ask.  I am always willing to field questions and try to give you answers.  

~xiaoyi

Boundaries, Respect and Disappointing a Master I love.

immage courtesy of http://favim.com/

image courtesy of www.favim.com

 

Yesterday, I did challenging thing. I told a Master I love and adore “no”. As a slave, this is a very difficult thing for me to do.

We had been texting and flirting all day. A part of me was really hoping he would propose that we connect last night and move into play. I very very much wanted to.

After the work day was done, he asked if I would be attending an event at a friend’s house. It was not a kink or play event but many kinky people would be there, including, in all likelihood, an abusive ex.

He is often at things and when I know there is a chance I’m likely to have to deal with him, I can prepare myself and cope. I am one of the few who are actually open about his abuse and who approached girls he’s getting involved with and let them know what my experience was and who else they may want to vet him through. He’s a smart abuser and tends to list respectable people in the community that he has dated as his form of vetting himself. Seldom do the girls dare to ask those named people. I didn’t when it was my turn; they were too intimidating. That was a big mistake for me to make. So I try to be proactive in letting others he preys on be aware so that they can decide if they wish to take the risk. RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) is big for me.

So jerkface (the abuser) was likely to be there. I had in the past 24 hours already been through a few very challenging interactions with other people, that had tested my abilities to remain authentic and vulnerable. Since I didn’t have enough advance notice of the event to be able to put my armor back on for dealing with jerkface, I knew that if I attended there was a huge chance that I might end up having to deal with flashbacks or in a corner sobbing. I don’t really think either of those is much fun when unintended.

The Master I had been chatting with when I told him I wasn’t going to go because jerkface was likely to be there told me “he was sad that my fear of jerkface controls me more than he does” he added a pout to the end of that and it was likely him just continuing to try and flirt and be playful.

It hurt to read that. Even knowing it was likely just a joking way of playing with the play-only-M/s dynamic we have, it hurt. So I explained my reasoning and told him if he was willing to be there for me if I did end up flashing it crying I would go but I recognized that that was far beyond our play-only relationship.

He replied that I was right he didn’t want to be responsible for that. I knew he didn’t which is why I declined in the first place. It was not due to fear of jerkface controlling me, it was due to me having self-control and self-respect. I made the decision based on what was healthy for me and within the boundaries of the relationship the Master has told me he wants with me. I was enforcing HIS boundaries for me, as well as protecting myself, and I even asked him if he did want to increase his responsibility for the night in being willing to catch me if I was not emotionally in a place where I could be strong enough to fight any past issues that came up if jerkface was there. He said no.

Yet it still stings me that he turned it into a “who controls xiaoyi thing”.

That is where we play and I love feeling his control over me within that realm. I am a slave and I have learned very hard how precious a gift a Master’s control is. And that includes for things as short as getting a drink or for as long a lifetime.

I know how this Master sees the decision is outside of my control and I’m very saddened that he chose to view it in the light he did. I also know that for me, his reality does not match mine. Even knowing I did the right and correct thing though, I feel strongly that sense of sorrow in disappointing a Master who I love and respect and who does sometimes grant me the gift of control.